Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Even more questions ............

What’s hard sometimes about ms_havachat is that I know friends read this, as well as friends I’ll never meet.

Knowing that, I do sometimes think twice, if not more before posting stuff. However today is simply a blog, a rant, and idle thoughts coming out of my head and onto the page.

MissM started grade 3 today. She was a wee bit anxious but that didn’t last long. Her teacher greeted us at the door to the classroom and was very welcoming. MissM and I smiled at one another and I bet we were both thinking ‘phew, this is a good start’

Once out of the school car park, I opened the car window, turned up the radio and sang so loudly the people walking along the street looked up! I didn’t care less – I was free from school holidays (at least for a few weeks)

At yesterdays class picnic my guilt lessoned as a few mums admitted to feelings of joy over the past week knowing they were on countdown to school starting.

Apparently we all lost it over the holidays to varying degrees; we all felt frustrated with lack of adult company, disliked our own voices (and that of our kids from time to time) and wished the holidays would speed up.

Now that we’ve done our first 6.30am wake up we’re right-back-to-it and we are all smiling again.

I’ve always believed in quality not quantity, so next summer holidays we hope to remember to ensure quality time is had by all. I know that we’ll be happy to see each other this afternoon, and want to chat about our day rather than grunt and ignore each other.

Even MissM said ‘I love you lots mummy but we’re always together and I need my space too’ Now did she hear me say this or is this how she really feels? Either way, pretty cool for an 8 year old to be able to express herself so clearly.

So, school holidays are over, lessons learned will be put into practice for next ones and we should all cope much better!

My perspective on being an expat in the UK has also improved in recent times, in as much as I am starting to understand WHY I feel the way I do which helps deal with it better.

MrsP comments in an email got me thinking, and relaxing a bit more.

I can see how the UK as an expat assignment can impact your sense of identity, afterall in Oz you have it from being an Aussie, having family and old friends around, in Ireland & Japan it comes from being 'different', in the UK, not being able to talk about it, not being able to connect with others with similar experiences and being the 'odd one out' is hard.

It’s the word IDENTITY – is it cos I’ve just turned 50? Is it cos I’m an expat in the UK? Is it cos I’m not working and most people around me are and I feel somehow ‘less worthy’? Is it cos I’ starting to feel displaced from Sydney? Is it because several really close friends ignored by 50th recently? Is it because I am tired of always being seen as the organizer and have been disappointed by others being out’n’about when I always think to include them? MissM's only 8 but she is needing me less and less. DH is working such long hours these past few months ........ i've realized i'd make a crap single mum and an even worse wife-who's-husband-travels.

Who am I these days?

I love being a wife and mum. 

There's way more to me than just that but i'm not sure where it's gone! Nor how to get her back, even if it's a new version.

I used to be a full time working woman, in middle management on one of Australia’s premier print publications, running a sales team, entertaining  clients, running budgets (tho never well LOL), training, motivating …… then the toyshop was blissfully fulfilling on so many levels, then motherhood, then expat life ……….. another friend emailed me ‘to take control of your life and stop waiting on DH and MissM hand and foot’ maybe there’s truth to that to.

I haven't worked full time in a paid job since MissM was born ..... nice for some, eh? I seriously wouldn't know where to begin nor do i completely understand what it's like to do so, and run a house, and kids etc. 

My friends here think I’m always so busy, that I’m out’n’about doing so much cos my FB pages are busy, or I’m ‘smartly dressed’ at pick up so they assume I’ve been somewhere.

In fact one lady asked me over coffee this morning ‘guess your diary is full already’.

I do have some great days to look forward to, Ikebana classes start up next week, a few lunches here and there, a trip into London …… but also lots of days at home. Kinda normal existence maybe?

Have I become the epitome of a non working, full time wife/mother???????????????

With friendship

No comments:

Post a Comment