A few weeks ago, maybe longer, I had a lovely (and
emotional) coffee'n'chat with MrsH, an Aussie, who's lived in the USA and now
down the road. They left Sydney about 12 years ago, and have bought a house in
a delightful village and they are here for
now.
The timing was perfect. I was really struggling with
the long hours G was working, I missed his company at night, and MissM was
missing him and taking it out on me. In protest of his long hours, I
subconsciously stopped cooking dinner, as he never knew what time he’d be home.
We’d grab whatever was easy depending on the hour. Pulling things from the
freezer and popping them into the oven was the norm. We were eating anytime
from 8.30pm onwards unless it was so late, he’d grab something on the way home.
This was not what we were used to, not how we wanted
to live. It was taking a toll on us in many ways.
Our conversation quickly moved onto our own
experiences of moving around the world, and ending up in Greater Winchester,
the various coping mechanisms we use to fit in, how we keep busy, make friends, difference with one child vs 3 and
more.
She’s flat out with 3 kids at three different schools
and a husband who travels constantly. Her friends are in the village where they
live, she plays tennis twice a week, and that’s about it.
Asking her how she copes with 3 kids at 3 different
schools and a husband who is away a lot, she simply said, I have to. She shared with me some tough love lessons about being
the mother of three school aged kids, and the wife to someone who’s rarely
home.
She eats dinner
with the kids every night. If her husband is home to eat with them great,
if not, there’s a plate in the fridge ready for him to heat up when he gets
home. She’s in bed no later than 9.30pm.
OMG that’s so early – it has to be she said quite matter of factly, otherwise
I’m too tired to cope.
Other friends in similar situations are so used to
their husbands being away that when they are home it’s a (lovely) bother. Some
friends have said it’s easier when they
are away; the house and kids seem to flow better. One friend tallied up her husbands business trips to just
over 6 months in one year!
Timing is everything when it comes to life lessons,
and for me, the AHA Moment happened at this point in time. Several friends might read this and think 'what? We've had the same conversation!?'
And we have. And I did listen. The circumstances weren't right for me to act.
While G’s home late, he’s home. Obviously this
transition period of him working/living in Dublin Monday – Friday will end as
soon as we all move in August. It’s learning to cope with the long hours that
needed my attention.
There have been some huge changes in my life; all were
life lessons (some more than others). One of the biggest changes in my life was
the based in theory, and change management practices, and teams and helped me
understand CHANGE was when I was on the management team at News Ltd in Sydney,
launching NewsColor to the newspapers.
- CHANGE has phases.
- CHANGE needs to have buy-in from all concerned parties.
- CHANGE needs to move in the same direction.
- CHANGE is a team effort.
- CHANGE needs to be thought out well.
- CHANGE needs agreement from all parties involved for it to be truly successful.
- CHANGE is a lot of fun.
- CHANGE is constant.
Sometimes CHANGE is thrust upon you and you simply
aren't ready for it. The breakdown of a relationship, a death of a loved one,
an international move, being made redundant at work, dealing with growing kids,
aging parents, moving house, gosh, just simply day-to-day life is full of
change – all these (and more) are changes that we simply have to deal with.
Some changes are more like challenges. Apparently
these ones make us stronger.
Some changes teach us lessons. These ones give us
wisdom that we didn’t have before.
Numerous friends are corporate single mums
Monday – Friday and I’ve always admired how they just get on with things. The husbands simply fit back into the family’s
lives and not the other way round. But it’s just as MrsH said – and the time
was right for me to listen and learn. This sounded a bit rude to me at first,
but now I get it (this is the lessons learned type of change, so good change)
I knew before G completed his first week away that
MissM and I needed to re-evaluate our week to see how we’d best manage ( I was
scared we’d fail miserably)
We talked about some of the things we could do together to make our time fun. MissM suggested we cook and eat dinner together every night.
Homework/bath/dinner/bed is more streamlined – tho not
sure why as G was never home for this bit. Maybe I’m more committed to MissM
being in bed promptly so I can be in bed early. Maybe we’re managing the
changes around us really well and it’s just working!
MaMaybe we’re being normal, cos we can. Maybe this is
what having a nearly 9 year old is all about.
I am taking advantage of going to bed early while G’s in Dublin. I’m hoping it will be my
‘thing’ by the time we move. Lights out by 11pm (that’s early for me) mid week.
So far so good! I’m not so tired, which is already a bonus.
In Japan, G would be home at a reasonable hour, see
MissM before or at bedtime, and we’d cook dinner and eat, then if he needed to
work, he’d do so from home. We’d have a coffee together, and he might grab an
hour of TV to relax, before going back to it.
I miss those nights. So does he. We hope to regain them.
Obviously as he climbs the corporate ladder things
change. I’m not that naïve.
Obviously as MissM gets older, things change. I’m not that naïve.
It’s not that I want things to stay the same it’s just
that they’ve changed so much, so quickly and there’s been limited opportunity
for me to keep up.
So for now, we (MissM and I) are coping with the
CHANGE thrust upon us as a family by changing the way we do things to suit the
new situation.
CHANGE is constant and needs involvement and agreement
from all parties.
It’s not ideal, but we are managing and the most
importantly, we are all happier than we’ve been for months.
With friendship
x
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