Being an expat means
putting yourself out there, wherever there
is daily.
It’s starting over
every facet of your life every few years. It’s arriving in a new city, creating
a home, settling a family, navigating the new education system with /for your
kids, possibly learning the basics of a new language, there’s new ways of doing
(or not doing) things, different cultural protocol (every society has them even
if you don’t realise it), finding ways to fill in your endless days while
husband goes to work and kids are ensconced in school.
So many aspects of
this lifestyle are rewarding, and all are hard work but the most rewarding and
(sometimes) the most difficult to navigate and ‘win’ is the social network,
making friends and creating a social life for you and your family.
When was the last
time you went way out of your way and consciously created an opportunity to
meet and make (and nurture) a new friend?
Not simply offering
a warm welcome to a new work colleague, or smiling and saying hello to a new
family at school, or waving to the new neighbour across the road but really
reaching out and connecting.
The older we get,
the less likely we are to have to do this. We have the friends we want/need.
Who has time for new ones, right?
For someone like me
who loves meeting people it’s relatively easy tho it’s not always successful
and that’s absolutely fine (Life Lesson # maybe?). For quieter personalities,
or people who are shy, others who don’t speak the most popular language (most
International Schools are English speaking, tho of course, not always) it must
be so very difficult and socially isolating.
Those with young
school aged children probably have it the ‘best’ as there’s always a group of
parents in your child’s class waiting to say hello. There’s play dates to be
organised for the kids, birthday parties, an interest in common (sport, ballet,
art, drama, cubs, brownies etc) that enable the children to make friends so
very quickly and the parents go along for the ride.
Empty nesters, or
parents of older kids who are able to make their own friends don’t offer mum
the same environment, so Mums usually left to her own devices to make a friend
– coffee mornings at school, a common interest (this is where tennis, squash,
running, theatre, arts’n’crafts, book clubs etc come in super handy)
Young mums with
toddlers or younger meet at the local park, or playground, maybe the
International School offers them a spare classroom once a week.
A new adventure is
also an opportunity for some people to recreate them selves. I don’t mean
become a whole new identity, but think about it – no one knows you!
No one knows your
baggage (unless you choose to tell them)
No one knows the
mistakes you’ve made, or the successes you’ve had (unless you choose to tell
them, and it obvious which ones get talked about more)
You choose the bits
of memorabilia you want to share, which anecdotes are worthy of retelling,
which life lessons you want to expose. No one’s immune to bad experiences,
everyone’s had ups’n’downs but you get to choose who knows from now on.
There are
frustrations for some. Qualifications may not be recognised, or you might need
to requalify to do a job you did years ago. You might need to learn how to have
a full time helper living with you for the first time as up til know you’ve
always managed to work and run the house, but now in your new city you’re not
working but it’s the done thing to have home help. You find yourself with
endless hours to do what you want but don’t quite know what it is you want to
do.
You take up tennis –
it’s never interested you before, but hey, everyone else is playing.
You learn to play
bridge – again, you don’t care for cards at all, but the social aspect is what
you yearn for.
If there’s no book
club (or no room in the current one) you start one.
If you can cook, or
are into arts’n’crafts, know yoga or Pilates, you might volunteer your skills
to the schools Parents Committee. You volunteer to the Parents Committee.
You get out of your
comfort zone and you DO stuff, you get involved.
People only know the
YOU, you present to them.
There is another way
friendships happen and it’s organic. It’s the benefit of a few Adventures and
the impact you had on others while you were there.
I am very fortunate
that it’s worked for me since our first Adventure in Ireland an I am so
conscious of ‘paying to forward’ every opportunity I can.
It’s way easier that
simply landing somewhere and starting from scratch.
Its getting out of
the comfort zone and networking. As soon as you can announce where your next
Adventure is taking you, friends get busy making online introductions via
FaceBook or email their friends in your new city, alerting them to the fact ‘a
friend is moving there, and will you please make them welcome’
Here are a few
stories that I have been involved in.
My brother’s best
mate from school is married to a lovely English girl who went to high school
(in the UK) with MsS. When brothers best mates wife learned we were moving to
Winchester, she contacted MsS who she hasn’t seen since immigrating but has reconnected
with on FB that we were coming and would she mind meeting me for a coffee?
We did, and we’ve
been chatting and laughing and drinking regularly ever since.
MsS invited me to a
girl’s lunch, where I met MsC and while we don’t catch up often (both girls
work) when we do we have a really lovely time.
The extra good bit
to this story, is all our husbands/partners have met and they seem to get along
well too, so there’s now not only a girls friendship happening, but a ‘couples’
one.
MsC who I was in Dublin
with, was in Berlin with MsY. When MsC knew we were coming to Winchester she
contacted MsY and we’ve hooked up and laugh so much when we’re together. Our
daughters are the same age, so that works well too.
MsE who was in
Yokohama with me and has since repatriated to the UK has a friend who is moving
from London to Winchester (a very popular move). Would I mind getting in touch
with MsC ? Not at all – lunch is booked for next week.
The same MsC from
Dublin moved back to Paris a while ago. I hooked her up with MsJ who moved from
Yokohama to Paris via Tokyo. MsC (she moves a LOT) is currently in Cork,
Ireland where my dear friend MsL is from and yep, they’ve chatted and MsC is
better informed about Cork as a result.
MsJ was in Yokohama
for a year before repatriating to the UK. MsV, who I didn’t know well, but
always enjoyed her company when we did get together (kids are different ages)
also repatriated and are living close to one another. While their paths didn’t
cross in Yokohama, they have that experience to share so I introduced them via
Facebook.
MsA was doing her
Ikebana Masters certificate when I first started. She has since moved to
Singapore and started her own Ikebana studio, teaching and demonstrating. MsG
moved from Tokyo to Singapore and commented on one of my pictures on FB how
much she misses Ikebana – one FB message later the ladies are in touch.
MsP is moving to
Istabul and while I don’t know anyone there, a quick email to a few friends and
MsP has three people I’ve never met to contact and share their experiences of
living there.
Expats weave a
global network of introductions. We have to for survival. We have to make them
quickly and well, they run deep very fast. They have to, or someone moves on
and we start all over again.
My BFF in Sydney has
been in my life for nearly 26 years. She and her wonderful husband know me
better than I know myself at times. My ‘gang’ in Sydney have been friends for
18+ years now, and we’ve been thru everything together. Friends to this depth
don’t happen overnight and I love them more and more each day we’re apart
physically. The really interesting thing I’ve learnt is that TIME isn’t the key
factor in a friendship – MsN, MsK, MsJ, MsL, MsJ, MsB,MsJ are all friends from
within the past 6 years and we’ve shared highs and lows, laughs and tears with
as much meaning and soul.
Yesterday that network
was at work again when MsS introduced me to MsM and we had a great day in
London together. I’d like to think I’ve made a new friend, and that when our
families meet we’ve made a wider connection. Only time will tell (she reads my
blog so I’m going out on a limb here, making my feelings known LOL)
So, to every friend
I am lucky enough to have in so many cities around the world, THANK You for the
introductions, the kindness, the support on this crazy journey my life is on.
With friendship,
x
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