ms-havacaht loves The Amazing Race but not for reasons you might think.

We LOVE The Amazing Race in our house.

Do you know it? Do you watch it? What do you think?

HUGE shout out to MrsH for recommending it to me a few months ago!

We have come to the popular TV show years after it started (it's in the 28th season) but that's ok. Timing works in mysterious ways and the timing for us is perfect (explain in a sec)

Launched in 2001 on American TV channel, CBS, the global franchise is now filmed in 13 countries.

The gist of each show is simple. Eleven couples (any combination of relationship) race around the world. At each destination teams compete in various challenges (mental, physical) based on a set of instructions. When they complete each challenge to the satisfaction of a 'judge', they learn their next challenge or destination. The last team to 'check in' at the end of the leg 'may be eliminated'.

There are twists and turns which make it interesting too.

The winning team of each leg wins a prize.

Obviously, the last team standing wins; and they win the $US1million.


So, why are we hooked?

The travel component of the show is amazing. They go to incredible countries and as a result of the challenges, you see unique places that might make it onto a to-do list if you were to visit the place. It's enjoyable when they go to a city you've experienced (been there, saw that, remember that)

There's geography based conversations - Where is it? What's it near? Landscapes. Farming. MissM's favourite is 'do we know anyone from there'. Excellent opportunities to get out the atlas (yes, we have an atlas in the house, don't you?. G reaches for his phone to Google while I encourage the book)

Food, music, culture - wow! Thank goodness we are all so different! Tho some of the food we can definitely give a miss (dried python was the most recent WT? moment)

We won't complain about peak hour traffic anymore now we've seen it in other parts of the world.

Helps add to the ever growing bucket list, which is more of a wish list these days as places are added far more quickly than they are removed due to being experienced.


The huge lessons (unknowingly) learnt each and every episode are the ones to do with the teams, and with Exhibition (read blog here) happening this term at school, the timing is perfect!

In grownup terms it's things like:

• Successful teams are based on communication, support, encouragement, empathy, compassion, respect, honesty, the various roles people play, acknowledging everyones strengths and weaknesses and using them appropriately etc.
• Karma is a bitch (tho we've changed the phrase for MissM's ears)
• Paying it forward is good for the soul. 
• Challenging yourself beyond what is comfortable is tricky and very rewarding.
• Learning things about yourself (good or bad) is beneficial.
• Setting goals and aspiring for success is good.

MissM's ability to see what's working and not working in the teams is incredible. MrsH, you were right (not that I ever doubted you) The show is a fantastic teaching tool and the kids have no idea!

• If only they read ALL the instructions before rushing off they'd know what to do.
• Ugh, why did they take a taxi when they were told to walk.
• They lied to get ahead and now they are in last place. Serves them right. 
• WOW, they did the challenge 37 times before they got it. That's patience for you.
• They are so rude to each other/the taxi driver/the other teams.
• They stopped to help the other team who were struggling, knowing they would fall behind in the race. Lucky they still made it to the mat in time and aren't eliminated. 
• Crying gets you absolutely no where. 
• They are so friendly and helpful with each other and towards the other teams. They deserve to win that leg. 
• They lied and still won the leg. That's not fair. Tho check out how embarrassed they looked when they got caught out by the host of the show. 
• Even it takes forever to do the challenge, finish it well. Even if you're eliminated, it doesn't matter cos you tried your best.
• The man who couldn't swim kept getting all the water challenges and he still did them. How brave is he!
• Why does he never listen to her? She has good ideas. 
• Thank goodness they just finished the leg in time which is good as they had a hard time. 
• That's not fair. The other team should have won. They didn't play fair during the challenge. 

The list goes on. 

We've had such interesting conversation as a result of watching the show. 

We've all learned a lot, and it's been great family time in front of the TV on wet weekends. 

Watching last night's episode (we've recorded them), I mentioned to MissM that the challenge of making paper from cow dung in Sri Lanka was a great example of how animals and people work together in an environmentally friendly way. She replied 'that might be good to share for Exhibition'. 

That's my girl.

With friendship

x

Friendship Is In The Air

Expats, and those living with expats, know that summer is a time of mixed feelings.

While friends leave for new adventures, potential new ones arrive while you stay put knowing that one day you'll be the one leaving for the new adventure. It'll be your turn to do the leaving and being the 'potential new one' for someone else, while wanting to make new ones.

It's also a time to be on heightened alert towards our kid/s. Depending on how old they are, there might be a romance going on (about to break up or morph into a long distance one),  or simply lots of hugs going on while they learn to deal with 'moving on', or being left behind, or resettling.

Summer should be fun, and it is, but there's a time just at the end of the school year, and around late-July, early August when it can also be the worst time of the year as people move to get to where they are going to be 'there' for the first day of the new school year.

It's getting used to NOT seeing friends at coffee or at the Club, and putting on a welcoming smile (again) to newbies and starting over. It's a bit like an annual ground-hogs day in many ways.

I firmly believe this is the reason expats make friends, real friends so quickly - there's no time to muck around getting to know one another! People come and go so quickly you have to grab 'em as soon as you find them and make the most of every day.

Depending on where you live, expats tend to live in each others pockets not by choice necessarily but by circumstance, especially if you are living in an environment where the language is not your own. Having lived in both English speaking (our mother tongue) and non-English speaking, the friendship experience is very different for all sorts of reasons.

Naturally, we gravitate to our own 'tribe' for want of a better word - it might be the families within the same organisation, or you're from the same city/country, or you've a mutual friend.

Most expat's don't juggle work with family; we don't have the demands of an extended family to consider; there are no ageing parents or relatives to care for on a daily basis. Depending on the age of your kids, you might see each other every single day at school drop off, at lunch, at the Club, at kids swimming lessons, at tennis, or the gym.

While it might sound heavenly (and for most of the time it's pretty good), it can also be boring, mind numbing, repetitive and frustrating.  You live a myopic lifestyle with a handful of people. You're always on your best behaviour so as not to offend anyone least there's a fight/disagreement and the small social group is affected. There's little 'change' in day to day life so you HAVE to make the most of it by exploring and touring, doing courses, trying to new things.  If you're lucky enough to find a BestFriend (or two) you are blessed.

Don't misunderstand - the expat friends you make are supportive and amazing; the one's you meet'n'keep once you all move on are the real deal. You learn that people come into your life, and you there's for all sorts of reasons, and leave for just as many. You learn to accept letting people go, or to have the courage to move on.

If you make, and keep a couple of friends each time you move, you're doing very well!

There's always lots of people to 'party' with but in my experience, having chatted with friends about this for years now, having someone true and faithful, who will sit and listen to you talk crap and keep your secrets, and cry is harder to find. There's always people around to party with, and hang out with.

Now, if your friends husband and kids get along with yours you have it made !!!!!!!!!!!! We've been blessed to be in this situation several times over the past 4 moves/8 years and not just with expat friends but with 'local' families too. It takes a lot more effort with locals who are apprehensive to get too close knowing you move on, or are simply busy with 'normal' lives, but it's great when it does happen.

I've chatted about my girl-dating theory before, but for those of you new to ms-havachat, let me recap.

Newbie arrives.
You are introduced thru a 3rd party (school, mutual expat friend in previous location/s)
You answer any questions they may have, offer some guidance, you chat and find out as much about them as possible with out sounding creepy.
Towards end of conversation, you make a time and place to meet for a coffee and continue chatting.
Coffee can go several ways

• the time flies by, lots of chatting and laughing, comparing of experiences, discover you have stuff in common or 
• time goes soooooo slowly, you play intervier/interviewee with 20 questions, there's no chemistry and both of you know it  or
• one person connects with the other more.

Depending on how coffee goes, you.....................

• make a date to meet up again, maybe take your new BF shopping, or to Ikea, or introduce her to a few of your friends, other mums in their kids class.
• you simply say, call me if you have any other questions; see you on the playground; or introduce her to someone who you think she'll have a better chance of connecting with. SHE may very well do the same, thank YOU for your time, not suggest to meet again, and wander off to the next group of ladies who she see's and starts chatting with them.
• ah! this one is tricky ........ but as an expat you soon learn to have tough skin.

Next few 'dates' go well, you learn more about each other, the kids get along well in school - do you dare invite them over for a family dinner .... or  maybe suggest a Saturday night out with partners (always hard to do this with newbies cos they might need time to sort out a sitter depending on age of children). Depending on where you live and what's on offer, a day out to a popular tourist destination is a great idea as it keeps everyone focused on something of interest, and away from the group dynamics. If everyone's getting along well, this can be a great day out! If there's tension or lots of pregnant pauses in conversation, you have the tourist attraction to talk about.

Now, husbands can make or break the girl-friendship very quickly. Best to share as much about husband/partner as possible so there's some common ground for them to meet - work is an obvious one, but golf, tennis, where you've lived, other hobbies are good too.

• Husbands get along YEAH you have a  new friend.
• Husbands don't get along - you're opinions may be affected and you take a step back and reconsider OR you wind the friendship back to 'girls'n'kids' only, or girls-only.

So girl dating!

For those of us who are outgoing it can be fun and challenging to constantly be 'ON', but for those of us who are of a quieter nature I've been told it's hell but something that has to be done. One very dear friend told me when we first met she was very shy, preferring her own company most of the time and that while she appreciated my company and suggestions to let her work things out in her own time, which I did. This woman ended up being a party girl, involved in tennis, karaoke parties, loved fancy dress parties and more! The past President of the international club I belong to said at her farewell speech how shy and scared she was walking into her first club meeting let alone taking on a committee role, but how much she enjoyed being part of something. There are others I've met who really truly prefer to be left alone and as hard as that is, the collective social network does, but also keeps one eye on them, just incase.

Being left behind, or doing the leaving ..... it happens to us all at some point in our expat lives.

Expat friendships are a sort of numbers game - the more you meet, the more chance you have of finding a friend (or two); the more of those you have, the more chance you have of meeting THE ONE (or two)

So, get that smiley face happening, work out your story, have a few interesting open questions ready and get out there and make a new friend or two and let me know how you go.

With friendship
x

Sometimes It's Hard Being 'Away'

A friend's friend has passed away today. I don't know the lady who passed away. And the lady I do know, I am closer with over Facebook than when we were in Japan.  She lived in Tokyo and I was in Yokohama. We were part of the same Australian and New Zealand lunch group that met on a monthly basis.

Along with other friends, I sent her ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) and told her how sorry I was her friend had passed away. We then started chatting behind the scenes and our conversation made me think, this is a side of expat life that most people don't acknowledge out loud and maybe some one should.

Most expats share the high's - heck, most people do that, don't they? Who wants to go on and on about the crap life sometimes throw us? But isn't that the ying/yang of friendship? We shout to the world about about long lunches, cultural excursions, days out with friends, guests visits, girls nights/girls weekends/girls lunches and more. There's something wonderful seeing a photo with friends who you knew 'there' together again somewhere else. No wonder people think expat wives live the high life.

Friends also share the tough times - sick kids, work troubles, relationship stuff, MIL's - you know.

The advent of social media has meant that a lot of the tough stuff gets hidden behind the scenes, in private messages or emails.

An example was only last week I posted a pic of MissM and her friends at home, doing a craft project we'd planned. Accolades of positive comments came rushing in ...... what a great mum you are, can we do summer holidays with you ............ and my comment was 'you caught me on a good day' and several friends laughed. As if you'd stop mid-fight over homework and take a photo and pop it up on FB, really!?!?!?!?!?

I've tried to convey a more real version of expat life thru ms-havachat. While the long lunches, cultural excursions, days out with friends, guests visits, girls nights/girls weekends/girls lunches and more does go on,  most of us are simply trying to cope living 'away from home' and all that means. We're volunteering at school, joining clubs, filling in long days as our visa's are usually stamped in such a way to limit employment opportunities, we're working hard at making new friends, fitting in to our new environment, making sure the kids settle well, are coping with yet another education system while husband is at work or travelling for work.

But today, it hit me again as MrsW shared her sad news of her friends untimely passing. While we gain so much, we loose a lot too.

We can never be where we need/want to be.

Think we share stuff online these days simply because so many friends, or friends of friends might know the person but lost contact and we are reaching out for those friends to comfort us, despite the miles between us. Several friends have broken the news of loosing a parent, or the family pet on Facebook. It feels weird to comment there, but gosh, a card takes forever to arrive on the other side of the world. Mum has kept every card, every note from when Dad passed away. She often reads them. Remembering. I wonder what people will keep now days???????? Print outs of FB comments?

Fortunately, MrsW is visiting family in Brisbane and the funeral is in Canberra (about an hour and 45 minutes flying time) on Friday. She's thinking of postponing her return trip to Japan and going.

She should.

She'll be with friends.

She'll remember her friend, and all the memories of their time on Christmas Island together, a million years ago but really, it only feels like yesterday.

See, that's the shitty downside of expat life that people don't talk about.When not-so-good things happen and you're too far away to offer support or indeed, the GOOD stuff happen and there's a celebration (and you are too far away to participate).

Depending on long you've lived overseas for, and how many cities you've lived in, if you mapped out the friendships, you'd probably end up with something representing an intricate spiders web.

An acquaintance in Dublin is moving to Shanghai, and a dear friend we met in Yokohama is living there - so I've connected them via email. Another friend from Dublin moved to Singapore a few years after we moved to Yokohama and I was able to hook her up with friends who'd moved from Yokohama to Singapore; the examples are endless. When we were moving from Yokohama to Winchester, the network got busy hooking me up with potential friends. One of my lovely new friends in Dublin was in Tokyo with MrsW and attended the same lunches as me. We missed each other by a few months.

Before moving to Dublin you might recall we had an opportunity to move to Brazil. I emailed a friend I'd met in Dublin, who is currently in the US but was born in Brazil. She was very happy to hear from me after goodness knows how long, and was a great source of information.

Distance isn't an issue. Neither is the time you've spent apart.  Most of the time. Then something GOOD or not-so-good happens and you're heart breaks with the thought of not being there to share the moments.

One can only imagine how the callers feel prior to sharing news that someone has passed away; or has been diagnosed with an illness. It's probably harder to say the words than hear them.

Friends good news makes you wish you were closer.

Friends bad news makes you wish you were closer.

No news makes you feel like you have been away too long.

Sometimes you can't win.

But you are a huge winner in the fact you have LOTS of wonderful, interesting, funny friends, from all over the world, and you are as involved in their lives to the very best of your ability, regardless of where you are in the world. Every friend adds a new dimension to YOU, no matter how small that influence may be, no matter how long or short a time you're together.

So, rather than dwelling on what we miss out on, we ensure that when we are together we celebrate, and reconnect. We keep in touch with Facebook, Skype and email. We keep international florists in business and the postal system busy.

Hold onto the friends who are close by a little bit longer when you next hug them.

Phone a friend who lives far away from you.

Send a card, or flowers to let them know you are thinking of them. 

Lend a hand to whoever you can, the best way you know how.

I sincerely hope MrsW gets to Canberra for her friends funeral on Friday. 

With friendship
x

It's not just me, tho it's still not right

This has to be one of the most famous faces in the modern era.

Her yells are legendary.

Mine were getting that way too last summer, do you recall?

Parenting in isolation isn't good for anyone. While constantly comparing isn't good either, there's always that balance of 'oh, my child does that too' or 'nope, can't help you with that but I'm happy to listen and maybe we can work something out over coffee'

We all have role models be they work colleagues, media personalities, or friends.

G and I have several role models in friends whose parenting skills, evidenced by their terrific kids are what we aspire to with MissM. Most of these friends are in Sydney - their kids are much older than MissM so they've 'been there, done that' which helps a lot. I reach out to them from time to time, but and I hate to harp on it, being an expat puts a whole new spin on things.

It's just the 3 of us 90% of the time.

Making deep friendships, with honest, raw connections takes so much time and effort and when it happens it's stunning and when it doesn't it's very lonely. Only having one child means we only do each stage once - by the time we've worked it out it's over and done with and we're figuring out the next one.

Just think of the network of friends and family you have close by to support you .... to ask questions of, or to compare behaviours. Even MissM's education can't really be shared honestly - she's been to 5 schools and been part of 5 different systems. Most of our friends kids have started and finished at the same school.

Our close friends with kids MissM's age are scattered, as we met a few in Dublin when she was at Montessori and the rest in Japan (the closest ones are now in various locations which means we Skype and FB a lot).

There didn't seem to be a whole lot of connecting going on in Winchester, but the one or two friends I found I was able to confide in had never expatted and while they were great listeners, and applied common sense to a lot of what was going on, their empathy was never going to happen and I was embarrassed by their sympathy.

Spinning out of control as a parent is something you don't necessarily want the other parent to know about - at least, not the depths you feel you've succumbed to. G had an inclining what was going on, but even now, I doubt he was fully aware. That's not his fault. It was mine. I should have been able to cope with one well behaved, funny sweet kid.

Several friends said that's it - only having one child means 100% of my attention is focused squarely on her. There's no distractions. As I'm not working, all my energy and effort can and does go into her, 100% of the time. The difference in their opinion was they didn't have the time to noticed the shape of their child's handwriting, or to ensure every piece of homework was even done.

As a result of all of this, and probably a lot more, I started to do something I've never done before - get angry at a person I loved; raise my voice to such levels and in such tones that I frightened them and me.

A friend posted a link to an article in the Huffington Post about yelling ...... it resonated with me to the depths of my core, and by the end of it all I could think was it's not just me, tho it's still not right, and I'm not alone.

Click here if you would like to read it.

What a brave and courageous mum to have found the strength to write this article. I think I might have alluded to things in a few chats, but not to the extent she does.

I started to cry when I read these next two paragraphs, cos that was me.

Yes, it was those things -- normal mishaps and typical kid issues and attitudes that irritated me to the point of losing control.

That is not an easy sentence to write. Nor is this an easy time in my life to relive because truth be told, I hated myself in those moments. What had become of me that I needed to scream at two precious little people who I loved more than life?

Granted, our little angels know when and how to press our buttons, but we are the adults and we should have the strength to know better than to bite. I could HEAR my voice rise, I could FEEL my body language change, and yes, MissM, like the authors girls, recoiled from me on more than one occasion making me feel like a hideous monster, a failure and a total stranger to myself and my daughter.

Do we love too much?

Do we care too much?

Are our expectations too high?

Are we too busy?

Do we not like being interrupted?

Should children should be seen and not heard while we Facebook, Skype, email and text?

Is it too much pressure managing a home, having a job (i don't have that excuse) and running a house?

Are we too tired?

And the kids - what's their role in this?

Do they have one or are they simply kids?

What are they learning by pushing buttons to get yelled at? Is any form of attention worth it?

What are we teaching them by our behaviour?

What's our response if they raise their voices to their friends?

I never thought I'd be a yeller.

I'm ashamed and saddened to admit that I was one.

I am proud and relieved to say I am no longer one.

Oh, I'm sure I'll raise my voice, but I'm not going to yell.

MissM's noticed the difference these holidays and commented, like the authors daughter, it's nice when there's no yelling - and it is.

I'm really pleased my friend posted this article and I took the time to read it.

Wonder what you think?

With friendship
x

Tidy House. Happy Me.

MissM just made me laugh so much I had to share.

I'm cleaning out the fridge. You know that regular task where you throw out food that's mysteriously gone past it's use-by date, or cheese that's seen better days.

My late aunt used to line the vegetable drawers and shelves in the fridge with paper towel. She said that way any spills or leakages would be soaked up by the paper towel and made the weekly wipe-down of the interior of the fridge quick'n'easy.

I've done that ever since I moved out of home and had my own fridge ... and she's right!

MissM asked me 'what on earth are you doing with all the food out of the fridge?'

Cleaning the fridge I replied matter of factly.

You do that? She asked in a high pitched voice.

Yes. I do.

How often?

Every couple of weeks, I guess.

WHY?

To keep it clean and tidy.

You even keep the fridge tidy? I'm impressed.

And that's when I laughed.

Yes honey. I even keep the fridge tidy.



This got me thinking - what do 'we' do that 'they' don't even realise?

If 'we' stopped doing these things what would happen? Would 'they' notice?

The dishwasher is constantly filled and emptied only to be filled again.

Clothes get worn, washed, dried, ironed, put away only to be worn, washed, dried, ironed and put away again.

Food gets bought, put away, cooked, eaten ..... bought, put away, cooked, eaten and so on.

Social plans are made.

Kids outgrow clothes and toys .... they get sorted, recycled, donated etc.

Fridges get cleaned out. Ovens and grills are cleaned.

Cupboards are sorted thru.

There's so much stuff that goes on quietly in the background of day to day family life.

There's been a pile of crushed moving boxes in the garage along with an large basket we used to use as MissM's toy box and more recently the washing basket, full of various items broken in the move, a few broken umbrella's waiting for there to be enough to warrant 'one car load' for the 30 euro the recycling place asks. I said to G at the beginning of the holidays that we had a car load and if we could take it to the recycling place ...... it's all there as of a few minutes ago.

We were going to throw out two small unattractive cupboards, but decided to keep them in the garage as storage. TIDY garage!

Tidy garage meant I could re-ogranise the laundry. Now we have TIDY laundry! Which means the clothes line can live in there and not the kitchen. TIDY kitchen!

We reorganised MissM's bedroom to give her more floor space and at the same time, went thru clothes that no longer fit, toys she no longer plays with etc. TIDY!

I am forever harping on about putting things back when you're done with them; in the house in the UK, MissM had a room all to herself for her toys and arts'n'crafts and now we're in a normal house again, she's relearning how NOT to spread out into the lounge room and share the space. 

Earlier this week, MissM misplaced her sunglasses and before I could say anything she looked at me and said 'I know. If only I'd put them back where they belonged I'd fine them now'. At least she KNEW what to do. Shame she didn't do it.

Our house is by no means a show-home. We LIVE in it and we entertain and we have guests and we love it.

But it's always TIDY. 

G laughs at my OCD tendencies, Mum says thank goodness I took after dad and not her (she has a tendency to be untidy) and poor MissM is exhausted trying to keep up, but they both do very well and I know, in my heart of hearts that if I can show/teach MissM to be tidy that it will bode well for everything else she does in life. 

My commitment to a tidy house is pride, along with a desire to show MissM that we work hard, and invest in lovely things we respect them. That if we stay on top of things, no matter what they might be, we can cope with whatever is thrown at us. That, even tho I don't work outside the home, that there's a responsibility I have towards this relationship that I take pride in; family is a team, and we all have our role to play to ensure it works to the best of it's ability with everyone playing their role. 

And maybe, as I'm getting older, and because I don't have much else to focus on I'm a tad more obsessed than I care to admit.

Best get back to the fridge ........

With friendship

x

Day 2 - MissM's Homework Routine Needs A 'Next Idea'

MissM thinks her homework idea needs a 'next idea cos this one didn't work very well'

You'll recall from yesterday's chat that MissM welcomed the responsibility of being in charge of her homework routine. She opted to work over dinner, and wake early this morning to finish.

It's already black in the mornings in Dublin. Waking at 6.30am is really difficult as it looks and feels like the middle of the night. On a rainy morning, we can be driving to school at 8am in the pitch black, full headlights on.

So this morning wasn't raining, but it was dark.

We came downstairs, I started cooking breakfast and making her lunch while she got her maths out and started to work. I was really impressed she didn't need reminding or coaxing.

She had to stop while she ate breakfast, then I suggested she get ready for school quickly and if there was time, she could come back to the maths. She started to argue, and I quietly reminded her that she agreed to do her homework while breakfast was ready - then eat and get dressed for school, THEN and only then could she return to homework otherwise if she sat and did her homework, she'd risk going to school at 8am in her pj's.

On the way to school she asked if she could turn the radio off and talk.

Mummy, homework isn't working. I need a next idea.

Her next idea, was to try to do all her homework before bed, and keep a little bit left over for the mornings to do with Daddy.

I have a feeling that her desire to get up early and work has more to do with spending a little bit of quiet time with G than actually wanting to do her homework at 6am - but that's another chat, and a conversation G and I will have this weekend.

Day 2, MissM ignored suggestions to start homework (I know, I said I'd leave her be, but I can't help myself ... time marches on!) I even reminded her that G would be home earlier than usual and it wold be way more fun to have homework done and be able to spend time with him. She still didn't get going til after 6pm just as G walked thru the front door (very early as he came directly from a conference)

Poor MissM KNEW he'd be home early and still didn't act.

However, they sat at the table together, and she did her homework.

Dinner was ready so homework was put away. When she realized how much she's still left to do she started to worry ........ making G promise to get her up, not just wake her, but make sure she's up at 6am to finish so she doesn't have to go to school in her pjs

At bedtime she said I don't have a next idea yet, but I'm working on one. Lucky I don't have homework on Fridays.

My heart is breaking.

My jaw is sore from being clenched shut.

I want to say do your homework at 5pm like you were doing - it worked so much better! But I guess she has to work it out herself as we've started on this journey. Maybe she will end up back where she started from last term, or maybe she'll work out another routine that suits her. Only time will tell.

If you think she's relieved there's no homework tomorrow, you can only imagine how I am feeling.

With friendship
x

Day 1 - MissM's In Charge

First week back after midterm break.

Actually, it's only day 3.

Homework hasn't been great this week as MissM was unwell on Monday afternoon (came home and slept til 6pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), yesterday she tried very hard to do two nights homework in one.

We both felt the vibe of the Homework Monster hovering around us but thank goodness, it didn't rear it's ugly head. It came very close to us. Frustration with the amount of work to be done felt by MissM, suppressed horror at the amount of times the words 'I forgot how to do it' were uttered, or 'please listen to what I'm explaining' were said thru gritted teeth.

We are simply not a great homework team. It breaks my heart to admit it, but it's a fact. And it needs to change.

Today was a day of revelation for a number of reasons which I won't go into but suffice to say, we've both learnt a lot.

MrsS (BF and teacher) has suggested on a number of occasions to let MissM take responsibility for her homework.

She's been doing that for a while now with her two boys (11 and 8) and informed their teachers that they are responsible for their homework and she will not nag them. She will not raise her voice, she will not 'make them' do anything anymore where homework is concerned. Help - yes. Guide- yes. Support - yes. Negotiate - no. Argue - no. The stress, the frustration just wasn't worth their relationship.

The only reason I haven't done as MrsS suggested was simply because MissM hasn't had homework like she has now and 1/2 a term surely wasn't enough time for her to grasp the organisational skills and time management experience to cope. Or was I complicating things?

Do what you can, leave what you can't.

I know MissM and she'd opt to leave most of it every time.

School in the UK gave out a few maths questions on a Monday which were due on Thursday; there were spelling words which the kids had a week to learn. They had the occasional project over a 2-3 week period but it wasn't several subjects due the next day, every day.

Surely my job was to help her cope with so much at once. The other kids in her class have been eased into this workload - she, along with 4 other kids are not only new to school but new to the Irish Independent schools (which I have to say are different to the UK schools too tho from what friends have said, MissM's classmates from school are struggling to cope with nightly homework too)

So, with half a term under her belt I decided to ASK MissM what she thought about how we could make homework more enjoyable.

On the way home, I asked MissM 'if you could choose how you'd do your homework, how would you do it?'

She said 'I'd like to do half in the afternoon after I've had something to eat and relaxed a bit, and then the rest in the morning before school.'

If you do that, you'll have to get up earlier than you do now. Could you do that?

Yes. I can get up with Daddy. While he's checking emails, I can sit next to him and finish my work.

OK. That sounds like a plan ..... when will we start?

Why the change mummy? Don't you want to help me anymore? She asked it in such a way my heart skipped a beat, but I knew I was onto something ........

Not at all! That's my job to help you, but do you still need me to sit right next to you when you're doing it? You've learnt so much with MrP and you're doing so well, I just thought that for the first 1/2 term you needed my help in working out how to cope with nightly homework and that maybe now you've some idea's of your own about it.

Oh ok. I'm happy to take on that responsibility mummy. Thank you (took me all my time not to giggle at this)


So, this evening, thru gritted teeth, I waited for her to realise the time and start her homework. As the clock inched ever closer to 6pm, I said nothing. Come 6.15pm I just had to say something - damn!

MissM decided as it was 'so late' she'd do her homework while eating dinner. WT?????????

Towards the end of her meal, she looked at me and said 'this isn't working. I'm tired. I need some help'

Oh ok, I said oh-so casually. Pop up next to me and we'll see what you can do.

Long story short - MissM realised that doing homework around 5.15pm makes a lot more sense than starting after 6pm. (See how she feels in the morning when she said she'd finish it)

Guess that's a start.

Let's see how we go with Day 2 of MissM's In Charge of Homework.

Personally I think she's still too young to take it all on herself, but maybe not.

Only time will tell.

Now to make sure I keep my end of the bargain and keep quiet and let her work this out on her own.

As my cousins husband said while nursing his 6 day old daughter 'where's the manual'?


With friendship
x

It's Time ..................

Guess we can all loose some weight.

Increase our fitness levels.

Eat healthier foods.

Do you eat your 5-a-day?

How active are you?

Like most people, I've invested lots of money into gym memberships overs the years, thinking that I was going to go 3-4 times a week, loose weight, meet new friends, and in a few months people will start to say 'OMG you look amazing, Have you lost weight?' and I'd beam.

Several friends over the years have done just that.

Transformed themselves into incredibly healthy, slimmer versions of themselves.

Now I'm not talking size 6, or skinny minnies. Just being the right size, feeling good about yourself weight, in the clothes you enjoy wearing. Being able to keep up with the kids. Go for a play in the park without huffing and puffing. Not always looking for the escalator in shopping centres.

I've never been into sports, or the gym depsite joining lots cos in the '80's and '90's it was the done thing. Even at school, I preferred to be organizing things behind the scenes, rather than being on the field. I still felt part of what was going on, just didn't want to be doing it.

G was a sports-jock in his younger days, in fact, he went to a selective academic/sports high school. He competed in swimming, hockey and squash. He's not done a thing other than golf since we met - shows you how influential I can be!

Things change and waist lines get thicker, favourite clothes don't look so good anymore, you go up one maybe two jean sizes, clothes get baggier and more layered which thank goodness is a very popular fashion trend. You delete too many photos cos you're seldom happy with how you look ..... oh gosh and here comes summer holidays AGAIN when you promised yourself last summer to do something about it.

While all that's going on, you're not feeling so good emotionally. You're lethargic. You KNOW you don't look as good as you could, nor do you FEEL as good as you could. You berate yourself cos it's been at least a year since you committed to doing something about it! You realise there are very few photos of yourself cos you've deleted them cos you think you look not-as-good-as-you-could. You rejoice in how fantastic friends look, and admire their perseverance while hating yourself for being so lazy.

I joined Curves Gym in Dublin the first time round, and then again in Winchester. I really do enjoy Curves, tho once you're confidence is high and you're in a routine, for me at least it got a bit repetitive, tho a full on gym work out still doesn't appeal.

You will recall I was a member of Winchester Wonder Women for the Moonwalk in London earlier this year. As hard as those first few walks were, I did enjoy them. And I did start to loose weight. My jeans got loose, I slept better, when I missed a walk I felt it.

Eighteen months in the UK and I'm a little bit lighter than I was arriving, and have lost a few centimetres, but gosh there's still a few more to go. My AHA Moment! was when I realised we live a life of beginnings, middles and ends. We can measure all sorts of things by the length of time we live somewhere.

We had 18 months in the UK to loose the weight we put on in Japan. We didn't loose that much, in fact G put on more.

This time round, I am absolutely committed, I HAVE NO CHOICE but to acknowledge that we are here for 2-3 years and in that time I am going to leave here lighter, smaller, healthier than we arrived.

It's a life lesson - seize the moment!

And take G with me!

Long story short - we just joined David Llyod's. It's a family oriented gym/leisure centre. There's an indoor and outdoor, yes, an outdoor pool; numerous tennis courts, a large selection of classes, a weights room, a spin room, a circuit and free gym equipment.

We can each have a personal trainer, and a program written for us.

MissM has a membership too so she can swim and participate in weekend and school holiday activities.

There's Friday Family Movie nights;  there's arts'n'crafts, yogo, gymnastics, ball games and more for her to try.

We figured, it'll be like the YCAC - a place to meet new friends, hang out on a cold, wet winters Sunday, MissM can be occupied for an hour during the holidays and I can still do a gym class, or a walk on the treadmill; G can swim a couple of times a week and maybe consider the possibility of touching a machine.

Keep you posted on our efforts and results,

With friendship
x

Change For Good

A few weeks ago, maybe longer, I had a lovely (and emotional) coffee'n'chat with MrsH, an Aussie, who's lived in the USA and now down the road. They left Sydney about 12 years ago, and have bought a house in a delightful village and they are here for now.

The timing was perfect. I was really struggling with the long hours G was working, I missed his company at night, and MissM was missing him and taking it out on me. In protest of his long hours, I subconsciously stopped cooking dinner, as he never knew what time he’d be home. We’d grab whatever was easy depending on the hour. Pulling things from the freezer and popping them into the oven was the norm. We were eating anytime from 8.30pm onwards unless it was so late, he’d grab something on the way home.

This was not what we were used to, not how we wanted to live. It was taking a toll on us in many ways.

Our conversation quickly moved onto our own experiences of moving around the world, and ending up in Greater Winchester, the various coping mechanisms we use to fit  in, how we keep busy, make friends,  difference with one child vs 3 and more.

She’s flat out with 3 kids at three different schools and a husband who travels constantly. Her friends are in the village where they live, she plays tennis twice a week, and that’s about it.  

Asking her how she copes with 3 kids at 3 different schools and a husband who is away a lot, she simply said, I have to. She shared with me some tough love lessons about being the mother of three school aged kids, and the wife to someone who’s rarely home.

She eats dinner with the kids every night. If her husband is home to eat with them great, if not, there’s a plate in the fridge ready for him to heat up when he gets home. She’s in bed no later than 9.30pm. OMG that’s so early – it has to be she said quite matter of factly, otherwise I’m too tired to cope.

Other friends in similar situations are so used to their husbands being away that when they are home it’s a (lovely) bother. Some friends have said it’s easier when they are away; the house and kids seem to flow better.  One friend tallied up her husbands business trips to just over 6 months in one year!

Timing is everything when it comes to life lessons, and for me, the AHA Moment happened at this point in time. Several friends might read this and think 'what? We've had the same conversation!?' 

And we have. And I did listen. The circumstances weren't right for me to act.

While G’s home late, he’s home. Obviously this transition period of him working/living in Dublin Monday – Friday will end as soon as we all move in August. It’s learning to cope with the long hours that needed my attention.

There have been some huge changes in my life; all were life lessons (some more than others). One of the biggest changes in my life was the based in theory, and change management practices, and teams and helped me understand CHANGE was when I was on the management team at News Ltd in Sydney, launching NewsColor to the newspapers.

• CHANGE has phases.
• CHANGE needs to have buy-in from all concerned parties.
• CHANGE needs to move in the same direction.
• CHANGE is a team effort.
• CHANGE needs to be thought out well.
• CHANGE needs agreement from all parties involved for it to be truly successful.
• CHANGE is a lot of fun.
• CHANGE is constant.

Sometimes CHANGE is thrust upon you and you simply aren't ready for it. The breakdown of a relationship, a death of a loved one, an international move, being made redundant at work, dealing with growing kids, aging parents, moving house, gosh, just simply day-to-day life is full of change – all these (and more) are changes that we simply have to deal with.

Some changes are more like challenges. Apparently these ones make us stronger.

Some changes teach us lessons. These ones give us wisdom that we didn’t have before.

Some changes are brought on by ourselves for we were foolish beforehand.

Numerous friends are corporate single mums Monday – Friday and I’ve always admired how they just get on with things. The husbands simply fit back into the family’s lives and not the other way round. But it’s just as MrsH said – and the time was right for me to listen and learn. This sounded a bit rude to me at first, but now I get it (this is the lessons learned type of change, so good change)

I knew before G completed his first week away that MissM and I needed to re-evaluate our week to see how we’d best manage ( I was scared we’d fail miserably)

We talked about some of the things we could do together to make our time fun. MissM suggested we cook and eat dinner together every night.

Homework/bath/dinner/bed is more streamlined – tho not sure why as G was never home for this bit. Maybe I’m more committed to MissM being in bed promptly so I can be in bed early. Maybe we’re managing the changes around us really well and it’s just working!

MaMaybe we’re being normal, cos we can. Maybe this is what having a nearly 9 year old is all about.

I am taking advantage of going to bed early while G’s in Dublin. I’m hoping it will be my ‘thing’ by the time we move. Lights out by 11pm (that’s early for me) mid week. So far so good! I’m not so tired, which is already a bonus.

In Japan, G would be home at a reasonable hour, see MissM before or at bedtime, and we’d cook dinner and eat, then if he needed to work, he’d do so from home. We’d have a coffee together, and he might grab an hour of TV to relax, before going back to it.

I miss those nights. So does he. We hope to regain them.

Obviously as he climbs the corporate ladder things change. I’m not that naïve.

Obviously as MissM gets older, things change. I’m not that naïve.

It’s not that I want things to stay the same it’s just that they’ve changed so much, so quickly and there’s been limited opportunity for me to keep up.

So for now, we (MissM and I) are coping with the CHANGE thrust upon us as a family by changing the way we do things to suit the new situation.

CHANGE is constant and needs involvement and agreement from all parties.

It’s not ideal, but we are managing and the most importantly, we are all happier than we’ve been for months.

With friendship

x

MissM Works Out How to Tell Friends She's Moving

How many times have you moved your family? Did you live at the same address until you moved out to Uni or college? Have you lived in the family home for years, and are thinking about downsizing cos the kids are moving on with their lives, or are they still at home saving to be able to move out?

G and I have been together nearly 13 years, and we’ve shared 8 addresses, plus 3 short-term addresses in between expat moves.

MissM is nearly 9 and she’s had 6 of those addresses with goodness knows how many more to come before she makes her own way in the world.

When we left Sydney for Ireland in 2007, it was for a signed 2-year contract. We had no idea what would happen after that. Gosh, we’ve still half a house of furniture in storage!

Guess a lot of expats are in the same situation – you just keep moving at the conclusion of each contract until you decide you want to ‘go home’ – job pending. Some people know they are only going to expat until their eldest child starts high school then the family repatriate. Others just keep roaming. Some return home to look after elderly parents while others make a new permanent home in a city they have enjoyed living.

The thing that complicates moves are the kids. Their friendships, hormones and loves will always come before a required move. High school aged kids need continuity of friends and subjects to get them thru the key exam years. Having one child should make this relatively easy, and I admire friends with 2+ kids who have to juggle multiple educational environments. And for those with kids with special needs - well, that is a whole chat of its own!

Moving from Ireland to Japan was relatively easy as MissM was only four and a half. Moving from Japan to the UK was also easy (well, easy enough). We’d had a few friends leave before us, and MissM knew that Skyping and emails were a brilliant way to keep in touch, and that despite not being able to hug someone, you could certainly share news and remain friends. If you were really fortunate, visits during school holidays can happen!

The concept of a long distance friendship at 7 and 8years of age is a rather mature one to understand. Usually kids of this age are still into the here and now, outta-sight-outta-mind mentality. However, expat kids learn and accept this as the norm. You make the absolute most of the time you have with friends while you can.

One often wonders what it was like living this life without Skype, Emails and Facebook! Very difficult for sure, yet people survived. Not sure I could have.

G told MissM on Saturday that we had decided to move to Dublin because K needed him there every week, it made more sense to move all of us permanently than for him to travel Monday – Friday and only be home with us on weekends.

(Luckily) she agreed.

They came to the patio where I was sitting, looking like they were sharing the worlds best secret, and MissM smiled and said 'it's ok, I know we're moving to Dublin and it'll be fine. We've lots of friends there', and that was that.

Do you have any questions? Yes. 

·      Can I have a dog in our new house? No.

·      Can we please find a smaller house? We'll see what's on the market.

·      Will I go back to Kidzbiz? No, Kidzbiz was your Montessori and you're in school now but we could always visit.

·      What school will I go to?Not sure yet, there's two to choose from. You’ll come with us to see the schools and meet the teachers and we’ll make the decision together.

·      Who knows we are moving? (I mentioned a few people)

·      How did you tell them? (I shared with her how)

·      That's all. Moving to Dublin will be fun but I wish it were Sydney. (Now I wasn’t expecting that comment)

And off she went to look for her grandparents to continue playing.

An hour or so later, she comes to me and asks 'how will I tell my friends? They all think I'm leaving in year 5, and we haven't even started year 4. They might be upset, or angry with me'.  She started to stress, not about leaving, but how her friends will react.

At this point I thought 'thank goodness I re read Third Culture Kids' by David C Pollack and Ruth E Van Reken only recently so I knew the right response. Also, with 3 Adventures behind us, I'm feeling confident that we know what we're doing when it comes to relocating.

Chapter 13 of TCK says 'there are five stages in any transition experience: involvement, leaving, transition, entering and reinvolvement" The rest of the chapter deals with things like:

There's grief in leaving a place, or being left behind. So accept it, allow it to happen, understand it, and let go.

Leaving a place well, helps to arrive somewhere else properly. No one needs negative emotional baggage at the best of times, so take care in HOW you leave.

Build a RAFT - Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, Think Destination.

There are 4 key areas which we need to farewell; People, Places, Pets and Possessions.

Acknowledge the grief and feeling of loss when moving on.

The light at the end of the tunnel is reinvolvement; new friends, new community, new memories.

In all transitions, we gain as well as lose. It’s the ying/yang life thing all over again. Accepting that there is the good and not so good everywhere helps one keep balanced. Nowhere is perfect, but some places are better than others.

Keeping all this and more in mind, I suggested to MissM that she might like to do what I've done, which is to tell close friends, in person. Remind them how important they are to you and make sure they know you will do everything you can to ensure the friendship grows, despite not being around the corner. Accept their response as they give it – they might be sad, or nonchalant about it. Give them time to process what you’ve said.

She asked, ‘Just like with MissN and MrM left Japan and I had to work out what to do without them?’

Yes, just like that. Any my heart cracked a little bit more. 

She beamed agreement, then panic again. It was Sunday night, and school started the next day (yesterday), she didn't have much time to get to them.

We popped around to the twin’s house at 6.30pm and MissM took them into their lounge room and closed the door. When the three of them emerged, they were holding hands and looking sheepish.  MissM reminded them of all the weeks left to hang out together, and that when we’ve gone, they can Skype often, email regularly and swap postcards. She told them that Dublin was only an hour or so by plane, and that friends had even come to visit with their car on the ferry so spending holidays together would be easy.

'Yes, but will you still come to our birthday party in September?" they asked.

Sorry, no cos we’ll be settling into our new home and school, but we can celebrate before we leave!

Hugs all round.

Friendship in tact.

MissH got home around 8pm on Sunday, too late to pop over; the earliest MissM is going to get to tell her is Wednesday afternoon, before ballet. MissM is determined that her BF's need to be told by her, in person so she can help the understand cos 'we're not in an expat place, are we mama? People here won't understand like they did at YIS'

(As I hadn’t finished this chat, MissM told MissH and MissE quietly at recess, and then her whole class, as she couldn’t hold the secret any longer. She hoped that was OK with us)

When did our little girl become so wise?

Has she heard us talking at night, and is she merely repeating what she’s heard, or does she really get what we are and the life we lead? I’ve realized living here that being an expat is different, didn’t stop and think for a minute that MissM knew too. Mind you, she’s handled it so much better than me!

We left Sydney for Ireland Adventure No1 when she was two and half; Yokohama was 3 years of her short life, the UK a mere 20 months ....... SHE IS A TCK, or maybe the newer term being used, Cross Cultural Kids (CCK)

Her friendships, like ours are made quickly and firmly. They last in terms of being able to hang out in person between 2-5 years (at this rate, 3 years has been our longest home), and we all work hard at keeping in touch despite the distances between us.

If she continues to be mindful of her friend’s feelings the way she is demonstrating now, she'll be a damn fine friend to have. 

G and I are so proud of MissM. She has taken the news well, and has shown great care towards her friends in telling them.

I pray that the next few weeks will be as easy, but somehow I know they won’t be.

With friendship

x