Staying Connected or Disconnecting?

There's been so much talk lately about turning off, or at the very least, reducing our time on social media that it's got me thinking about the time I spend online, or on-phone; what I'm doing and what I cold be doing if I wasn't online.

This one has been doing the rounds on Facebook. It's emotionally brilliant, pulling at our heart strings, making us wonder what are we missing out on? Do we care? What did we do with out technological support every minute of every day?

“This media we call social is anything but, when we open our computers and it’s our doors we shut”… Click here and find out what we're talking about. 

It suggests that because we have our noses in our phones or laptops ALL THE TIME we are missing out on what's going on right in front of us. Maybe that's true. Maybe I've been guilty of it at times but are we as bad as the video makes out? Is it an age thing?

I genuinely believe I use social media to my full advantage. I love having an app on my phone for maps (means finding my way around a new city easy), or dining out, or music. One thing to replace the job of several.

On Facebook, I participate in several groups ranging from a book group, to a photo club, Ikebana groups and the IWCD. Some are public groups where anyone can join and share, while others are closed which means they are invitational only. It's a brilliant, easy way to stay connected with friends who share your interests, or make new ones you'll probably never meet but their passion inspires you.

I tried Pinterest but found it too hard going, while others love it to bits.

LOVE my blogging buddies! A whole new world has opened up for me as an individual and a blogger. How I yearn for thousands of followers worldwide, with numerous comments attached to each blog.

The worst thing I did was add Skype, Facebook and emails to my iPhone. It meant I was always contactable. I didn't like it at first, but like most things, I have no idea how I ever managed without it before. A few friends still live without a mobile (how do they manage?), and MrsP admitted to using her phone as that, a phone. No FB, Skype or emails will be received by her unless she is online - and she's self employed! So what the hell am I doing?????????????????

The first thing I do in the morning is check to see what everyone's been up to while I've been asleep. You see, living in Ireland, with friends in Australia and S E Asia, our time zones aren't conducive to real time conversations, so this is the next best thing. But I'm starting to think, do I have to start my mornings in this way? What would happen if I waited til 9am or even later to find out?

Last year, I consciously decided to leave my phone next to my bed in the morning and not have it with me while making breakfast and school lunches. It was also left in my bag between the time MissM came home from school and the end of homework, so I could focus on her.

Having Skype on my phone is brilliant as MissM and I can call her cousins in Sydney while we drive to school and know we've a good chance of catching them. It's a quick call, a simple HELLO, what's new kinda newsy conversation and is good for the soul. If we waited for the right window of time to benefit everyone, someone has to stay up very late!

Like all technology, emails, texts, voice messages etc can be ignored .... and are, sometimes.

G often referred to FB as Divorce Book until a few months ago, when desperate for more lives on Candy Crush he joined FB and has become an expert in posting comments and threads, LIKING pages, and posting pics of 'stuff'.

I play SCRAMBLE and WORDS WITH FRIENDS with friends in Sydney, Winchester, Tokyo and more recently G, who's either at work, or next to me on the couch.

It's time consuming, and does take me away from where I'm at, but I'm WITH friends, they just aren't with me! When the time zones work in our favor, and we are online at the same time, we chat via messages which is great fun.

Am I ignoring the people I am with? Yes, but not for long. It's no different to taking a phone call, or going out for a few hours, is it?

Another emotive suggestion going around social media is this one

G and I always have our phones with us - I've no idea why I do as I'm not on-call; and with his new role, he's not anymore. Obviously, if MissM's home with a sitter, we have them with us, but do we really need them on the table when the 3 of us are together?

We went for dinner on Saturday night and for 'fun', we didn't pull out our phones. We still chatted as usual, had quiet moments when no one spoke, ate and had a nice night out. We actually don't play games on our phones when we're out'n'about. But they are present.

We've lived thru periods of time when G's phone has rung and he's answered it, interrupting dinner, a movie, he even missed touring the Book of Kells due to a business call he HAD to take.

His role has changed, and this doesn't happen (as often) anymore.

My phone is always with me - in my bag, or in my back pocket, in my hand, or next to me. It's always charged, ready to go  ............... why????????????????

I think my fear is of being uncontactable by family in Sydney if anything happens and we need to be contacted. Imagine, if there's an accident, or worse and they can't contact me/us for hours? They are stressed, we are unknowing.

I guess living in Japan for three years, with earthquakes being a constant threat also meant you needed to be immediately contactable (which in hindsight is silly as all communication stops in natural disasters).

Maybe I'll disconnect just a little bit, it'll probably do me the world of good.

Staying connected is very important, does it really matter HOW we do it?

With friendship
x

Busted! Who? ME? No. WHO? You?

I was raised not to open other people's mail.

It's rude.

You collect the mail and leave it in a prominent position where they can see it when they come home and you leave them to open it in privacy.

Sounds old fashioned, and it might be, but that's how I was raised, and how we are raising MissM. Even when there's snail mail for her, we don't open it. We give it to her, and allow her space to open it in in private, and then she can choose to share with us what's inside.

G seldom opens mail, even tho 98% of the snail mail is for him - what I should say is addressed to him. It's just something as an expat wife you get used to. THEY have the job, THEY get a different visa status, THEY get the mail.

It's one of a handful of tiny weeny things he does that annoy me. Every so often, I remind him there's a build up of mail, and offer to open it and sort it out for him (my clairvoyant in Sydney told me I'd be 'like an administrative assistant or private secretary to my future husband' so I'm cool with this role). I stack things in their neat little piles, sometimes attach post-it-notes with questions on them and file the rest.

One such piece of mail arrived a few weeks ago, addressed to G. It was a plain enough envelope, with a Dublin return address printed on the top left hand corner. But it looked official.

He didn't open it (or several other pieces) for a week or so.

I texted him to ask if I could, as he hadn't and he said sure.

My heart started to race.

OMG - BUSTED.

I have to make this disappear.

Quickly.

Quietly.

What a waste of money.

A speeding ticket!

I saw the street and time and thought OMG I've been busted speeding on the way to school.

I've never had a speeding ticket before - E-V-E-R!

Quick.

Great, I can pay it in cash at the Post Office.

I filled in form, grabbed some cash and went to the PO on my way to collect MissM from school.

The woman at the PO took the form and my debit card and started to process the payment. Phew,  thought - G will be none the wiser. Now, there'd be no bother if G knew, and I'd probably end up telling him at some point, but OMG a speeding ticket! He's always banging on at me to slow down.

OH OH! The 'system' wouldn't accept the details or payment as I wasn't G and the fine was in his name.

BUSTED!

I had to confess my sins and get him to go to the Garda (police) and have them reissue the fine in my name.

After dinner that night, I gingerly told him my story to which he started to roar with laughter. Now, those of you who know G know he doesn't often roar with laughter, but trust me he did.

It was HIS FINE!

He'd been busted on the way back from a meeting in the city ..... he'd been to the Garda because he's on his Australian liscence.

BUSTED! He, Mr Oh-So-Careful-Driver, Seldom-speeds-driver got busted for speeding. While I, daughter of a racing driver, Ms Speedy did not.

He then asked me why I was feeling so guilty .... GUILTY? ME?????????

Yes - the fine was addressed to him. Why did I think it was mine?

Because it was it was a week day at 2.43pm and i was probably running late for pick up. Because so little of anything is in my name these days, that I thought the car was in yours, afterall his car is a company car so anything like that would go to him c/ work (wouldn't it?).  I prattled on for a few minutes and his laughter got louder and louder so I stopped.

What's so funny I asked?

YOU! You are! he said with a huge smile.

There you were, running around town, with cash and a completed form ready to pay your way to a free conscious (mind you, he did want to know how long I thought I could hold out not telling him) and it was my fine all along.

He's right - I would have confessed. I always do (not that I do that much wrong LOL)

But the funniest thing of all is HE GOT BUSTED, not me.

With friendship
x

What? NO NUTS????????????

A couple of friends have recently posted questions and comments onto FB about how to deal with their little ones starting school and keeping them safe in terms of their food allergies.

The kids know they are allergic, and to ask questions and not share food, or eat someone else's lunch.

But still - we want to keep our kids safe especially when the consequences can be so harmful, life threatening in some cases.

My cousin, who is in his early 30's has a serious allergy to nuts. He's been hospitalized several times AS AN ADULT when a waiter in a restaurant has assured him 'no nuts' and they were wrong.

Mum is allergic to kiwi fruit - even the knife that's cut the kiwi fruit if it touches other fruit will set her off. My brother, to oats. Cheese used to make me sneeze but thank goodness I grew out of that one.

MrsH is allergic to strawberries and frangapani's. She won't have either in the house. We don't serve strawberry anything while she visits with us.

I can't drink red wine (shame, eh?) but port is fine (yeah). Friends are welcome to drink as much red wine as they like, and I'm very happy with my white or Prosecco.

MissM's friend is allergic to dairy. We simply made sure when she visited, we had non dairy foods for EVERYONE to eat, not just her. In fact, for MissM's birthday party, the birthday cake was non dairy, as was all the party food. MissG said it was the first party besides her own that she could eat all the food with the kids, and not have a 'special plate' waiting for her.

It was easy to organize.

Another buddy has an epipen and her mum gave me a quick lesson in how to use it. OK. Probably won't ever have to, but hey just in case now I know.

Easy.

Another friend of ours is allergic to Fish - so guess what? When they come over, we don't eat fish.

I hosted a coffee morning for the IWCD, and one lady mentioned she'd love to come but needed gluten free food. So, I bought a couple of packs of gluten free cookies which we all shared, served a platter of fruit, and cheese'n'crackers. No one knew any differently.

We've had house guests who are vegetarian, pescatarian - doesn't matter so long as we know, we'll shop and cook accordingly.

It's really easy to be considerate of friends needs without it impacting on you.

We eat all the fish we want when our friend's not with us.

MissM has lashings of strawberry jam on her toast, when her godmother isn't visiting.

We eat dairy, just not when MissG visits.

It's easy and the right thing to do.

MissM's schools have all been nut free zones.

In fact, her school in UK had photos of the kids with allergies, and their specific one/s hanging on the walls of the kitchen and dining rooms at school so that EVERYONE was aware. All meals were prepared and served by school, for everyone. Even the kids with allergies did not have dispensation. School was a nut free zone, but dairy and gluten etc were omitted from specific kids meals.

MissM's current school is a nut free zone, and has also banned crisps, popcorn, sweet drinks, soda pops, lollies, chocolate and breakfast bars from home made lunches. They have a canteen that serves hot food and it's a healthy kitchen. The only thing that we've had to stop putting into MissM's home made lunches are the odd serving of popcorn (organic of course) and the handy snack bar. But apparently some parents went bonkers!

It astounds me that 'some' people find it shocking that THEY should pack a different lunch when it's not their kid who has the allergy?

What are we teaching our kids?

We are the role models here - by showing consideration of others, by thinking of our friends needs, by being a good friend, caring for others and yes, sometimes even putting ourselves last is way more important than a nut.

With friendship
x

It's not just me, tho it's still not right

This has to be one of the most famous faces in the modern era.

Her yells are legendary.

Mine were getting that way too last summer, do you recall?

Parenting in isolation isn't good for anyone. While constantly comparing isn't good either, there's always that balance of 'oh, my child does that too' or 'nope, can't help you with that but I'm happy to listen and maybe we can work something out over coffee'

We all have role models be they work colleagues, media personalities, or friends.

G and I have several role models in friends whose parenting skills, evidenced by their terrific kids are what we aspire to with MissM. Most of these friends are in Sydney - their kids are much older than MissM so they've 'been there, done that' which helps a lot. I reach out to them from time to time, but and I hate to harp on it, being an expat puts a whole new spin on things.

It's just the 3 of us 90% of the time.

Making deep friendships, with honest, raw connections takes so much time and effort and when it happens it's stunning and when it doesn't it's very lonely. Only having one child means we only do each stage once - by the time we've worked it out it's over and done with and we're figuring out the next one.

Just think of the network of friends and family you have close by to support you .... to ask questions of, or to compare behaviours. Even MissM's education can't really be shared honestly - she's been to 5 schools and been part of 5 different systems. Most of our friends kids have started and finished at the same school.

Our close friends with kids MissM's age are scattered, as we met a few in Dublin when she was at Montessori and the rest in Japan (the closest ones are now in various locations which means we Skype and FB a lot).

There didn't seem to be a whole lot of connecting going on in Winchester, but the one or two friends I found I was able to confide in had never expatted and while they were great listeners, and applied common sense to a lot of what was going on, their empathy was never going to happen and I was embarrassed by their sympathy.

Spinning out of control as a parent is something you don't necessarily want the other parent to know about - at least, not the depths you feel you've succumbed to. G had an inclining what was going on, but even now, I doubt he was fully aware. That's not his fault. It was mine. I should have been able to cope with one well behaved, funny sweet kid.

Several friends said that's it - only having one child means 100% of my attention is focused squarely on her. There's no distractions. As I'm not working, all my energy and effort can and does go into her, 100% of the time. The difference in their opinion was they didn't have the time to noticed the shape of their child's handwriting, or to ensure every piece of homework was even done.

As a result of all of this, and probably a lot more, I started to do something I've never done before - get angry at a person I loved; raise my voice to such levels and in such tones that I frightened them and me.

A friend posted a link to an article in the Huffington Post about yelling ...... it resonated with me to the depths of my core, and by the end of it all I could think was it's not just me, tho it's still not right, and I'm not alone.

Click here if you would like to read it.

What a brave and courageous mum to have found the strength to write this article. I think I might have alluded to things in a few chats, but not to the extent she does.

I started to cry when I read these next two paragraphs, cos that was me.

Yes, it was those things -- normal mishaps and typical kid issues and attitudes that irritated me to the point of losing control.

That is not an easy sentence to write. Nor is this an easy time in my life to relive because truth be told, I hated myself in those moments. What had become of me that I needed to scream at two precious little people who I loved more than life?

Granted, our little angels know when and how to press our buttons, but we are the adults and we should have the strength to know better than to bite. I could HEAR my voice rise, I could FEEL my body language change, and yes, MissM, like the authors girls, recoiled from me on more than one occasion making me feel like a hideous monster, a failure and a total stranger to myself and my daughter.

Do we love too much?

Do we care too much?

Are our expectations too high?

Are we too busy?

Do we not like being interrupted?

Should children should be seen and not heard while we Facebook, Skype, email and text?

Is it too much pressure managing a home, having a job (i don't have that excuse) and running a house?

Are we too tired?

And the kids - what's their role in this?

Do they have one or are they simply kids?

What are they learning by pushing buttons to get yelled at? Is any form of attention worth it?

What are we teaching them by our behaviour?

What's our response if they raise their voices to their friends?

I never thought I'd be a yeller.

I'm ashamed and saddened to admit that I was one.

I am proud and relieved to say I am no longer one.

Oh, I'm sure I'll raise my voice, but I'm not going to yell.

MissM's noticed the difference these holidays and commented, like the authors daughter, it's nice when there's no yelling - and it is.

I'm really pleased my friend posted this article and I took the time to read it.

Wonder what you think?

With friendship
x

So proud of my little girl

There's no image for today's chat.

It was such a private moment between us no image would capture just how it felt.

It happened a few days ago and it's only now I feel I can share it.

I want to share it because sometimes I think you might be left with the impression we don't get along.

We do get along - most of the time but it's when we don't that I come her to chat, and vent with you as if you were sitting opposite me and we were chatting in real time.

We were in the car, just the two of us on the way to school.

She asked me, out of the blue, what happened in the Philippine's and why does it look like Tohoku (the area devastated by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan)

(I explained to the best of my ability about the super hurricane)

So, earthquakes, tsunami and now super hurricanes kill people and wreck their lives she said.

Yes. I replied.

(For once I didn't offer more information that she was asking)

Mum, have I been in a hurricane?

No honey.

(quite liking these closed questions. I could have told her she'd been in a few typhoons in Yokohama but that wouldn't serve anyone)

Mum, does Ireland get any of this bad weather? I DO NOT want to go thru anything like the quake again.

No, honey it doesn't. (then I dared to ask) Do you often think about the earthquake? (It's a closed question so maybe it would be a short answer)

Not really. But I remember being under the desks at school like we were taught in the drills, and then seeing daddy in the playground. We couldn't drive the car into the car park cos the pool at the gym leaked thru the building. I slept with daddy that night.

Mmmmm, you were safe with him.

Mama, do you want to know the one good thing about the quake?

Sure.

You weren't there.

(I was in Sydney at a family function)

I didnt' say anything - mainly because I didn't know what to say.

I'm glad you weren't there because it was really scary and daddy did a great job at keeping me calm. He'd have to have kept BOTH of us calm and that wouldn't be fair cos I think he was scared. He knew you were safe, and only had to worry about me.

Fighting back the tears I said, gosh MissM, I didn't know you felt that way. I'd have done anything to be with you and Daddy and our friends that day. I was so worried about you all and just wanted to fly home to be with you.

No. You not being there was a really good thing.

Why I asked again .... (brave eh? I had no idea where this was going but she obviously wanted to talk)

Because it means you don't really know what it was like. I love you and you were safe.

Thank goodness (or not) we arrived at school and the conversation came to a natural stop.

I've spent the last few years feeling guilty for not being there for the quake. For not being the one at the school gate that afternoon, for not being the one she could snuggle into in bed, not being there to help friends, not packing bags and catching the shinkansen to Osaka and being with her (and the 367 other company expats work was evacuating) in the hotel while G worked.

And all the while, my little girl was happy I wasn't there, cos I was safe.

I'm so proud of my little 'big' girl, not just because of this, but because of the person she is.

She's a lovely human being.

With friendship
x

Sandwich Generation - needs a better name for the work they do

Hilary Clinton said back in 2007 it takes a village to raise a child.

Apparently in Ireland, and I'm sure other places too, it's taking the newly named Sandwich Generation to do more than that. Once the child's raised, apparently it still needs help.

Trinity College Dublin survey basically says that women between the ages of  50 and 69 are looking after three generations, providing 'important contributions' to the extended family.

They are shopping, cooking, cleaning, looking after, taking out, being responsible for medical care/appointments etc of their aging parents, while looking after grandchildren as their kids can't afford childcare, or can't find childcare or don't want the kids to be latch key kids. In some cases, they are offering financial support too.

DOH!

Is the Sandwich Generation new tho? It's a bad name for marketers to target, but are they new to society? Haven't they always been there?

I recall after my divorce 'going home' was the only place I wanted to be. I'd moved out a good 6 years before, but when it all came crashing down, HOME was where I wanted to be and it was where I went.

Once the dust settled, I moved out on my own, needing space to think and regroup ..... it wasn't long before another set of circumstances led me HOME to mum for a few more months. This time it wasn't as easy. Once a woman has had her own home, and done things her way, living with another woman is difficult, at least for me it was.

In total, I left and went home several times over the years, each time Mum always welcomed me back with open arms and a lot of advice even tho I'm convinced she would rather I didn't but she never said no.

The article caused me to think about the situation we were in all those years ago.  She had her aging mother across the road and was cooking meals for her that could be frozen and re-heated, she ensured grandma made it to her medical appointments, had food in the house, and was OK after her days out at bingo and bowls. She had me living with her and I'm sure she was more worried about me than she ever let on. We shared meals, or I was out with friends (living at home wasn't going to curb my social life); I contributed to the utilities while I lived there.

Did I ever think of mum as a sandwich? No way.

I just thought that's what mums did.

Mum's retirement coincided with the birth of my niece. She happily offered to look after her when SIL needed help, and when she went back to work part time. Again, that's what mums, even MIL's do, isnt' it?

So many of my friends could not have started their families if if wasn't for the financial or moral support of their parents ...... when grandkids came along, they were there to cuddle, and help out. Friends bought their first homes with the financial assistence of their parents (it was the only way they could afford to stay close by as prices have always been over the top in the eastern suburbs of Sydney).

Again, isn't that what parents do if they can afford to. No point taking it with them, eh?

Alternatively my in-laws made it quite clear when we said we were having a baby that that was our decision, they'd raised G and his sister, and they were too young to be 'held down' by a grandchild. Mind you, we didn't ask them to be 'held down. We didn't ask them for anything. We simply said 'we're pregnant'. They have softened over the years and we all get along very well and they have a great relationship with MissM, but truth be known, my mum has done more for us, to help us with things like babysitting be it on a Saturday night or a mid week lunch date for me with a friend than they ever did.

I'm not sure parents DON'T expect to help their aging parents, or their kids and grandkids in any way they can.

When you read the article, which I hope you do, you'll realise the type of help has changed, at least here in Ireland.

Maybe it's changing the world over. Who knows.

All I know is that when the time is appropriate to call home this evening I'm going to phone mum and say thank you for being my sandwich.

I could never have done the things I've done, or survived some of the crap I've endured if it wasn't for her support, or should I say 'top'n'bottom sandwich' of me.

Don't we all help each other when we are called upon?

If we can we do, if we can't .... then we try other options to help.

This Sandwich Generation needs some more thinking about.

With friendship
x

M's a Busy Bee

It's tough being a kid these days. Or is it simply tough being MissM?

I have been thinking about this a lot these past few weeks, as MissM struggles more and more with homework, and goes to bed willingly at 7.45pm during the week, and is harder to wake each morning.

Cries of 'I'm tired' are heard a lot more often.

Maybe this is normal as kids grow up. I'm sure it is.

Is it?

Are your kids shattered in the mornings?

ms-havachat's been developing this chat for a while now, trying to work things out in her head before rambling here. In fact, this is my 4th attempt. The previous 3 were very cathartic and had me in tears. They were very quickly deleted. There are times when I think I'm a crap mum, and others when maybe I'm doing OK.

Do you ever question your parenting skills? Or the manner in which you deal with things? Guess it's natural we all do at some point or other. G's working hours haven't improved and I still haven't got single parenting down.

Anyways, amongst all that other crap, is me thinking OMG, MissM's such a BUSY BEE, no wonder she's exhausted. However, weekends are fun, and she's still up for a get together with friends.

Someone had a link to this guy, Matt Walsh on FB a few weeks ago and I really enjoyed his writing so I subscribed. His recent blog,  'Easy? No. Kids today do not have it easy' resonated with me loud'n'clear. It helped me understand a lot, tho still left me wondering.

What do you think of Matt's blog?


So, school days are shorter; 8.40am - 3pm (UK was 8.20am - 4.10pm). It seems our school also has longer holidays than others in Ireland. Daylight hours are shorter and shorter (we are awake at 6.30am and it's pitch black already)

After school activities are all done at school, which is great as it allows M time to get to know other kids apart from the 15 in her class (and I'm not driving all over town).

School offers 32 extra curricular activities a week - that's just the junior school. From hockey, rugby, swimming to chess club, knitting corner, book club, cooking, Lego and more. Some are run by teachers while others are taught by specialists who are brought in.

MissM's extra curricular stuff allows her to continue her singing lessons and drama club. She's still home by 4.20pm at the very latest, which isn't that late, is it? She not only loves these two activities, she's really good at them! G suggested she should stop them and focus on academic stuff, but my argument is she enjoys them and she's good at them - and academic isn't everything at 9 years of age.

We send our kids to school to learn new things, to socialise (and there's a whole lotta learning going on there!), to try stuff, to discover their talents, to be exposed to things they may not be otherwise exposed to and so on. It's not all about the books tho here, as in the UK (and I'm sure elsewhere in the world) school seems to be focused on test results ...... rather than kids being the best they can be; it's what you scored and where you rank.

In addition to coping as an expat kid amongst locals, tho there are lots of expats at school which is great, MissM's LEARNING a whole lotta stuff all at once and she's such a BUSY BEE, that it might be too much for her.

Am I being too soft? Surely your kids are doing similar? Are they coping? How tired are they? Do they snap and have attitude (oh yeah, puberty is next to deal with).

MissM and her school mates choose to learn either French (her choice) or Spanish, plus they have to do Irish - imagine, learning two languages at once plus of course, they are all still mastering English. If English isn't your mother tongue, you are exempt from Irish, which makes sense.

All school age kids in Ireland have to learn Irish. The reason given is that it is the national language and hardly anyone can speak it, so to help revive it, all public signage (street names, road signs etc) are produced in English and Irish. There's two Irish TV stations, and a couple of radio stations, newspapers and magazines, but really not much at all unless you go searching for it.

She's joined the drama club which she says is great fun, and enjoys meeting older kids (it's only offered to years 3-6). Not sure she'll even step foot on a stage, but that doesn't matter.

Oh how she loves her singing lessons! And her teachers again tell us how good she is. As a result, she along with 3 friends have been invited to join the school choir (rehearsals mid week during the school day)

With a choice of violin or cello, clever MissM chose violin and according to her music teacher 'is a natural'.

Desperate to continue ballet, I lazily put her name down for it as an after school activity thinking it'll do til we find a friend who is very happy at their dance school and change. However, her teacher is a RAD examiner and owns a very well respected and popular dance school. There are only 6 kids in the class, so it's as close to private lessons as you could get!

Her teachers has a 40 minute rule for homework. If the child's given it 'their very best attention for 40 minutes' let them be. It's very subjective, isn't it? If MissM's giving it her 'very best attention' she can be at it for upwards of an hour, or more! If we stuck to the 40 minute rule, she'd fiddle and diddle and then go, time's up, oh well.

Moving countries means moving education systems and it's tough.

Apparently MrsA in UK taught math very differently to MrP here.

One school teaches spelling phonetically .... one doesn't.

MadamP in UK sang a lot of French whereas the teacher here talks a lot which makes a huge difference to understanding. MissM's offered to teach them the few songs she knows to 'help them'

We stay positive for her, and say that no one can ever take away what's inside your brain, your experiences, emotions, knowledge is all YOU. Sometimes things are done differently, but you use your references to make the 'new' stuff work. Maybe she's just a bit too young to know this yet. I have to rely on friends who have raised several kids across several countries and who attended/graduated colleges and uni's all over the world as well adjusted happy healthy motivated young adults.

Add to the arts side of her academic subjects and she's a very BUSY BEE indeed - too busy? I'm starting to wonder.

MrsP and I have talked for years about how busy some kids are, and how there's a time and place for chilling out and PLAYING! Kids need to PLAY and be themselves with out the pressures. Just google 'are kids too busy' and see what comes up! Here's one of several articles that make sense, tho what are we, as parents doing about it?

There are lots of people who make sense to me .... Sir Ken Robinson in particular is a very interesting, clever, motivating and resourcful speaker. Listen to him on TedTalks. He often helps me put things back into perspective. In fact, I'm going to make a coffee and listen to him now.

MissM's busy after school a few days a week because the alternative is to come home and hang out on her own, which is fine after a busy day at school with lots going on, but she's like G and unwinds infront of the TV which is so annoying (and probably none of my business). I imagine if there were sibling's they'd be off playing or in the yard, or squabbling.

I'm wondering aloud here, is MissM too busy? If she is, what do we drop? If we drop it, what does she do, or indeed, is sitting at home chilling out how ever she sees fit OK?

I'm confident she'll be fine - they all are in the end, aren't they?

With friendship
x

Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

In a matter of weeks, life is good again.

There's still the issue of the Homework Monster rearing it's incredibly ugly head, we've now got what seem to be 3 fox holes in the newly cleared but yet to be planted garden to deal with, but overall that's about it. Even G's hours have reduced slightly, or maybe MissM and I are just used to them.

I sincerely do not mean to offend anyone, but the time in Winchester seems to be just a distant memory already. It's like we went from Dublin to Japan and back again. Maybe going back to a place you've been to is like that. It's always faster driving home than going, don't you think?


Let's go thru the checklist:

House - Very lovely. It's light, bright and very warm! All our stuff fits. Artworks on walls. Ikebana is happening courtesy of MrsD's garden. Don't need to refer to the manuals to use the oven/s as often. Garage should be cleared of the extra furniture the owners kindly left for us but we don't need, this afternoon which means we can attempt to put the car into the garage for the first time.

We're waiting on the insurance claim from the move to replace the things that got broken, so a shopping trip to Ikea will happen sooner rather than later.

Garden - Professionally mowed, and tidied up. Now we have 3 fox holes to get rid of, before we start planting bulbs for spring, and some hardy shrubs for now. I'm slightly motivated to learn how to garden  so we'll see where that idea goes.

School - MissM loves school. She's enjoyed all her schools. Her teacher MrP is funny, warm, caring, passionate about the kids and teaching. He's Irish and loves a chat. Her class mates all seem very nice too; the mums are friendly enough, tho if I had just arrived and didn't know a sole I think I'd be feeling similar to how it was at PM. It's a friendly school, but 3 weeks in, there's been no class/grade coffee morning, there's no mentor programe for newbies,  the class parents have just put out an email for a get together next week, the class list was emailed last week which helps with contacting parents to organize the kids to catch up after school or weekends.

The Parents Group hosted a night for new parents last week. We were given name tags, but with our child's name not ours. We found one set of parents from MissM's class and chatted with them all night which was lovely. The Acting Head of School spoke, then the Head of the Junior School spoke and that was it. What a wasted opportunity for the Parents Group - no introduction, no call for volunteers, no invitation to join. There's no way MrsA and I would have let such a golden opportunity pass us by at YIS.

I've told MrP if he ever needs help in class or on field trips I'm only too happy to help; put my name down to volunteer in the school library; and if the Parents Group wants another pair of helping hands, I'm happy to get involved there too.

Friends - it's a true friend who just sits down with you for a coffee'n'chat like it was only yesterday and not 5 years (of course FB chatter helps keep people connected). Reconnecting with friends in person from our first time here has been amazing.

IWCD - Just as good, albeit different. Five years is a long time, but it's lovely to be back amongst friends. Book Club is an enjoyable monthly activity. Theatre group continues to be difficult to join until G's workload calms down and he can guarantee to be home early for me to get into town; wonder if there's an opportunity for a matinee group but then we've to get back for school pick up. The Area Coffee Morning Groups have been finalised, I'm in Area D. We're having our first get together for the 2013/14 year in two weeks.

Ikebana - Would you believe one of the Japanese ladies is an Ikebana  Master! She teaches KOFU style which uses a lot more materials than Ohara. I found the first class challenging but it was great to be thinking subject, object, secondary, ground fillers, tall fillers etc. Classes are monthly, so between time, I'll focus on Ohara and send MrsN photos of my work which she emails comments back; we'll eventually set up a monthly Skype session. I fear that without constant attention from Sensai, I'll be doing more freestyle than anything else.

G - Works going well, tho not without drama. His line manager, who is also a friend collapsed in a meeting two weeks ago and was taken to hospital. He's fine, tho taking it easy. Guy and his team presented to the clients that they are ready for them to launch as planned ...... it's only the tiniest pieces of the project that enable them to do this, but considering how behind the ball they were a few months ago it's incredible they still made their clients deadline.

We've joined the gym as a family, found a hairdresser, got a GP, been introduced to two lovely young ladies by a friend to sit with MissM when we go out, and had afternoon tea with the neighbours.

It's funny weird, not funny HAHA how quickly things can unravel, thru no fault, or some fault of your own, and then by changing a few things, in our case, big things like moving country, things can return to normal.

We do need to learn from the downtime, to draw strength as a family and individuals what happened, how we responded, how we coped or didn't, what might we have done differently, lessons learned so not to repeat them.

An acquaintance from Winchester moved to Istanbul around the same time we moved to Dublin. I'm sure if we had both stayed in Winchester, we'd have become good friends. Anyhow, we're FB buddies and we both know that that in itself offers us the chance of a great friendship. She very kindly said to me that not every place is for everyone; that sometimes, thru no fault of ours or the people we met, the timing isn't right and so things can and do go wrong. She apologised that Winchester wasn't the right place or time for us, but said how very glad she was we met.

Sometimes you have to remove yourself from a situation to see it more clearly. I am grateful for the friendships we made while in Winchester, for the memories of interesting days out, the fun times with the family and friends who visited with us and even tho it was difficult at times, the lessons learned.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

As Fonzie would say, with his thumb up, hhhheeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy



With friendship
x

Secrets of Fiibs?

It all started this morning when I made MissM a smoothie for breakfast.

None of us are breakfast eaters, tho of course we all know it is the most important meal of the day. I struggle to be a breakfast role model, sitting with MissM while she eats as I am just no in the mood for food five minutes after I've woken up. Let me wait an hour or so, and take me to a cafe and I'll thoroughly enjoy a cooked breakfast, or give me a buffet in a hotel and I'm suddenly starving.

MissM doesn't do too badly; her breakfast selection ranges from cereal (Crunchy Nut like G), or French Toast (one way to get egg into her as she thinks fried eggs are for dinner and scrambled go with bacon), toast with either smoked salmon, or cheese and tomato or strawberry jam (we love the St Dalfour brand, if you haven't tried it, you must) or a couple of pots of yoghurt.

She's a 'bit bored' with these and asked me to think of new things for breakfast. Gotta love the faith she has in my culinary skills.

Yesterday I remembered we had a blender - so I offered to make a smoothie.

I thought, here's my chance to sneak in a few good things without her knowing. Foods that will give her energy and sustainence til her 11.15am break at school. I dropped in a raw egg, a packet of probiotics (which she used to drink with juice but now reckons tastes yukky), Greek Style yoghurt, a banana, milk and orange juice.

She gulped it down!

Mama this is the best smoothie ever. What's your secret ingredient?

OH NO!?  What do I do.

If I tell her the truth she'll never drink another home made smoothie again and if I lie .... well, what's a white lie between mother and daughter when it comes to nutrition.

So, I did what any mum would do and fibbed. I told MissM a tiny weeny little white lie. Afterall it's for her own good - "it's a secret honey"to which she responded, I know one is love, but what's the other?

AWWWWWWW my heart melted. One is love. How sweet is that?

When MissM left to go upstairs to get ready for school G, who was sitting at the kitchen table finishing off a report asked me what my secret ingredient was.

Now here is where it became tricky. You see, a few years ago, all in the name of encouraging a healthier diet at home, I added secret ingredients to G's schnitzel one dinner.

Jessica Seinfeild, Jerry's wife, published a cook book that was making headlines at all the playgroups, and Montessori's across the world - even Oprah raved about  it.

Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets To Get Your Kids Eating Well.

It had all sorts of mummy-sneaky recipes to get vegetables and 'grown up' foods into little bodies.

So like every other first time mum who home cooked practically everything for her first born, I bought the book with a vision of being as organic and wholesome as possible.

Things like beetroot chocolate cake, banana and linseed muffins, home made muesli's and breads and so much more. I thought, if I could sneak, or rather add Deceptively Delicious things to the food we ate, it would get vegetables and salads into my two (G does not eat either .... never has, never will. End of story)

There was a recipe for schnitzel with a few extra ingredients which I thought Id' try ..... pureed spinach, organic plain yoghurt and linseed.

The coating was a little bit greener than usual, but I thought I'd pretend I spilt LOADS of Italian herbs into the mixture and rather than wasting it continued cooking.

No way was I going to fool G. He ate it. Said it didn't taste as delicious as my usual schnitzel (there and then I knew I was busted)  and asked me what was different about it. I gave him the rehearsed Italian Herb story. He said I should have thrown it away and started again as it was only herbs and flour.

While we were clearing up together, he hugged me and thanked me for dinner. I'll never EVER forget what he said next. He whispered in my ear that he loved me and that I was to never ever lie to him about what's in his food ever again.

Now it sounds way more serious than it was, but it cut me to the core. Soon enough we both laughed as I knew I'd been busted, and he knew his whisper and accusation was rather  dramatic. I remember crying and laughing as he accused me of lying to him, which I guess I did was awful.

This morning the story came back to haunt me as G smiled at me and said, so now you're lying to our daughter about her food just like you did to me with the schnitzel all those years ago.

NO WAY did he remember!

NO WAY was I being accused of that again ..... I am merely looking out for their well being, ensuring as often as possible they are eating as well as I can afford to provide for them.

I didn't lie to her at all ..... I simply didn't tell her what was in it, cos she'd never drink it again if she knew.

When he saw how devastated I was with his joke he apologised but it made me think - is it OK as a mum (or dad) to fib/lie/bend the truth/omit the facts for the good of our kids?

I think it is, tho what happens when/if they ever find out? Do we loose their trust?

How old are you before you understand their are different kids of lies, and some are way more acceptable than others?

For now a little white lie over breakfast won't hurt anyone other than me as G teases me.

With friendship
x

MILL & FIL - Final Instalement: 'Til Next Visit

My late Aunt used to say guests were like fish - they went off after 2-3 days.

MrsA has a BF with her at the moment visiting for 10 days, and after 4 nights, she's wanting her space back.

When Mum visits (for months at a time) people comment to G what a great son-in-law he must be to which he answers, 'I'm at work, it's ms-havachat and MissM who have to put up with her' (he says it with a smile and love). Mind you, she would stay for the weekend regularly when we lived a mere 40 minutes away.

MrsB has a 7 night maximum on all guests. I've heard her explain to people over the phone, she's classic!

Several friends in various parts of the world deliberately don't have a guests bedroom so can't have anyone stay but are happy to organize a local hotel or B&B and have the visitors eat lunch/dinner and hang out - but not sleep over.

There are definitely 'better' guests than others.

We've chatted before about Guests. Some guests you are very happy to see leave while others become part of the family while they are with you and are a pleasure to have around. Some help, others like to be waited on because they are holidays or they don't feel comfortable 'mucking in'; the list of the ying/yang of being a house guest is a long one.

MIL and FIL's visit was surprisingly good. Their trips away were spread out well, a few days here, a week away with MissM, a few days here then a three and a half week river cruise in Europe, a week or so here, then 10 days driving around Cornwell, a few days here then a week in Majorca .... then Bath and home to Sydney. Easy to fill 3 months!

Being here for Grandparents Day at school was a highlight for MissM.

Spending a whole week together, just the 3 of them on The Isle of Wight was a huge success, and we certainly enjoyed Barcelona - just the 2 of us.

Barcelona!

MIL and MissM have developed a very special relationship

Pa fixed things

The family holiday in Majorca was fun - the 5 of us swam, laughed, talked, rested, read, played and swam, laughed, talked, rested, read and played some more.

Protur Hotel, Safari Park, Sa Coma

But like all visits, they must end, and sometimes too quickly and when we're not quite ready.

MissM was sad but realistic knowing they had to go back to Sydney and we had to get ready to move to Dublin. A big hug, a kiss and off she ran to watch TV.

MIL held it together very well, tho the tears weren't far behind the door closing.

FIL was fine, ready to go home to his bed and his routine.

G's in Dublin so didn't really have an opinion.

I'm grateful to have my house, and daughter back!

As we say to all our guests, regardless of how long they stay with us 'til next visit, take care, see you on Skype.

As an expat you HAVE to be resilient to visitors - everyone has to go home at some point. We're not unfeeling, gosh, we miss people terribly at times, but we know it's a wasted emotion, especially when you can't do anything about it. So we focus on the good times, the fun memories, make sure we take lots of photos and look forward to the next visit,

We've all become very good at HELLO's and GOODBYE's, but some are harder than others,


With friendship,

Food Heaven and a Little Bit of Home

Some days are simply memorable for nothing more than it was shared with a friend doing something lovely.

Today was one of those days.

Some days you do something, or eat a food, or smell a smell, or hear a song that resonates so deeply it reminds you of home (or MrsP in Yokohama)

Today was one of those days.

MrsW has always wanted to eat at Otteolenghi. She cooks from his books all the time, and wanted to try his dishes for herself. It was so lovely to share this experience, especially as it's one of the last times we'll be together here.

We made good use of the hour and a half it took to get there by public transport and walking but it was so worth it.

MrsW is one of the few friends here who I can really laugh with - belly laugh out loud laughs.

When we saw the window display at Ottolenghi we both gasped. What food!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The meringues were HUGE.

The flourless chocolate cakes looked decadent.

The mini pavlova's were not mini.

The salads were so colorful.

We were seated at the long communal table by a very handsome waiter with a twinkle in his eye and the most gorgeous smile.

MrsW said 'that's very pretty' and I said 'yes, he is' however she was referring to the pattern the barista had created with the foam on my cappuccino, not the waiter. We laughed out loud, too loud we think from some of the looks we got from other diners.

I've never liked communal tables in restaurants/cafes, and today confirmed it again. We were seated opposite one another, second in from the end. Next to us was a mother/daughter/baby in a buggy; on the other side was a couple sharing a quick lunch between meetings. We were all chatting across the table to our respective friend, yet the conversations mingled.

When our meals came, we simply stopped talking!

I enjoyed a semi dried tomato, olive, fetta cheese tart with a potato salad with dill, lemon juice and samphire and aubergine with curry yoghurt.

MrsW had a curried piece of chicken, the aubergine salad and pumpkin, pine nuts and yoghurt.

The fresh food selection for eat-in
and take away

MrsW's pumpkin salad

I'm not sure which bits kicked off the memories of dining out'n'about in Sydney; was it the potato salad with pickled cucumbers, or the pumpkin and yoghurt salad? The selection of incredible cakes, akin to the cake shop in Plumber Road, Rose Bay .... or simply the fact that Ottolenghi presents fresh, Mediterranean foods that ooze goodness like the cafes up from Bondi Beach? 

THere wasn't a bagel or smoked salmon in sight, but Ottolenghi also reminded me of family dinners, with Israeli influences (not that my family is Israeli) of tahini, cous cous, fritters and more.

I just had to buy one of his cook books!

With friendship

x

Phase 2 of International Move: Weekdays There, Weekends Home

We've entered the Weekdays There, Weekends Home phase of the transition phase of moving.

G is in Dublin Monday - Friday, and home weekends. While it's not ideal, it's the best Phase 2 we've experienced!

He did two really long trips to Dublin before we actually moved which made sense when you consider the distance between Australia and Ireland. In fact, he was there when the house was being packed up for shipment/storage and we were moving into the serviced apartment while our stuff was being shipped. I will never forget the stress and anxiety of those few days without him. We discussed so much over the phone which meant one of us had to stay up late cos of the time difference.

There were three short trips from Dublin to Japan before we eventually moved. He was around for the packing/shipping day, but only just. I recall one day in particular when I had 3 moving companies come quote and phoning G in Japan after the companies preferred moving companies representative was so rude to me, I didn't want them to touch our belongings. It was very late at night for G, but I didn't really care.

The reason for the travel is that when he moves the role has already started - he needs to start the new job before he's finished the old one. He's usually 'released' by the incumbent office on the provision he gives time back before finally leaving.

He did one trip to the UK before we all moved, but was available via email and phone to help the newbie.

He'll do nearly 3 months of back'n'forth Monday to Friday before we all move. He's finished with the UK office and project which makes a huge difference to his workload. Tho he is carrying two mobile phones now - an Irish one and a UK one, just in case.

Naturally at this time of year, we'll wait til school finishes on July 11, and then we have to wait til G's parents go back to Sydney on August 2 before we pack'n'move. So there's a fair few more weeks (if I say months I'll cry) before we're together full time again. To say that if his parents weren't here and we'd move as soon as school finished puts an unfair negative burden on their trip. However, if they weren't here ........ 

G puts MissM to be on Sunday nights and they talk about the upcoming week, and he slips out of the house around 5.15am to drive to the airport for the first flight out. He's home around 10.30pm Friday.

For now, he's in a hotel near work, but as of June 22, he's in a serviced apartment which means he will be able to settle there more. He's even organized to have his laundry done so that we aren't doing it here with the precious two days we have together.

He'll be able to cook dinner rather than having to go out each night, and live more comfortably than a hotel room that he has to check in/out of each week.

The only thing that's helped this time round is G's parents are here from Sydney. Well, for most of June they are on a cruise on the Danube, so it's just MissM and I, but from June - August it'll be the four of us and I'm expecting things to be very different with the IL's being with me at night while their son is in Dublin. They were talking of a few mid week trips to Oxford, Bath etc, as G was working long hours anyways - now that he's not even home it makes even more sense.

Our weekends are hectic as we all want time together, there's things to talk about, the week to catch up on, MissM wants his company and not mine, and when his parents are here, there's sight seeing to be done.

Our weekdays haven't changed that much - MissM's at school, she has her after school activities, and my days are the same, and as G's been working mad long hours these past months, MissM's used to, but doesn't like not seeing him before bed or first thing in the morning. Sadly, we don't often have dinner together as a family mid week (does anyone anymore?)

He phones first thing in the morning to say hello, and just before her bedtime. It's not great, but better than nothing.

The good things are MissM and I cook and eat dinner together each night. I don't feel guilty I'm not waiting for G, and I feel so much better eating earlier. MissM likes the cooking and company at dinner time, rather than being 'watched' while she eats.

Once MissM's in bed, I get the TV control and am enjoying catching up on Grays Anatomy, Glee and other TV shows that G kindly downloaded for me.

I'm in bed at a more reasonable hour.

But for all that, I can't wait til we're doing 7 nights a week together again, even if he's home late!

With friendship
x

HELP! Please, help my friend

A dear friend I met in Yokohama is seriously ill in the USA, while her husband and two young boys are in Doha. Apparently she wasn't feeling well for a while, and went 'home' for tests (as a lot of expats do depending on where you are when you get sick).  Her boys stayed in Doha and went to school, while her husband worked. The boys don't know she's as ill as she is. They are going to tell them when they visit over summer holidays.

She's with her parents and siblings, and friends.

She's getting great care.

She's really sick.

While I respect she wants to keep this low key, there's an unsaid friendship obligation to do whatever we can to help her. If we were all in Yokohama together, we'd be organising cooking rosters and shopping rosters, we'd be picking the boys up and taking them to/from school and sports events, they'd be having lots of sleep overs, and we'd be helping her to/from hospital for tests, and friends would help with translations.

We're not there.

We can't rally around.

We are spread all over the world.

We can only pray (even those of us who don't usually do that) and hope that someone will reach out and respond to the hospitals plea for a donor.

I can share the link to the page and you can too - who knows, someone some where might read this and be able to help our friend, she's only 44 years old.

www.bethematchfoundation.org/goto/MelitaKansasCity

I was going to write about how our life can change in a second, that we need to remember to tell those we love how we feel, that all that BS about life sending us challenges is crap, and that it sucks big time to know my friend is so ill she might die if she doesn't get this transplant and that her little boys are too young to be without their mum and her husband shouldn't have to think about a life with out his gorgeous wife.

But that all sounds so frickin' trite.

We've all known people who get really sick.

We've lost friends way too early.

I'm not even sure why I'm chatting about this. All I know is that someone somewhere might be able to help our friend, and while I can't cook or shop for her family, I can share this ......



With friendship
x

MissM Works Out How to Tell Friends She's Moving

How many times have you moved your family? Did you live at the same address until you moved out to Uni or college? Have you lived in the family home for years, and are thinking about downsizing cos the kids are moving on with their lives, or are they still at home saving to be able to move out?

G and I have been together nearly 13 years, and we’ve shared 8 addresses, plus 3 short-term addresses in between expat moves.

MissM is nearly 9 and she’s had 6 of those addresses with goodness knows how many more to come before she makes her own way in the world.

When we left Sydney for Ireland in 2007, it was for a signed 2-year contract. We had no idea what would happen after that. Gosh, we’ve still half a house of furniture in storage!

Guess a lot of expats are in the same situation – you just keep moving at the conclusion of each contract until you decide you want to ‘go home’ – job pending. Some people know they are only going to expat until their eldest child starts high school then the family repatriate. Others just keep roaming. Some return home to look after elderly parents while others make a new permanent home in a city they have enjoyed living.

The thing that complicates moves are the kids. Their friendships, hormones and loves will always come before a required move. High school aged kids need continuity of friends and subjects to get them thru the key exam years. Having one child should make this relatively easy, and I admire friends with 2+ kids who have to juggle multiple educational environments. And for those with kids with special needs - well, that is a whole chat of its own!

Moving from Ireland to Japan was relatively easy as MissM was only four and a half. Moving from Japan to the UK was also easy (well, easy enough). We’d had a few friends leave before us, and MissM knew that Skyping and emails were a brilliant way to keep in touch, and that despite not being able to hug someone, you could certainly share news and remain friends. If you were really fortunate, visits during school holidays can happen!

The concept of a long distance friendship at 7 and 8years of age is a rather mature one to understand. Usually kids of this age are still into the here and now, outta-sight-outta-mind mentality. However, expat kids learn and accept this as the norm. You make the absolute most of the time you have with friends while you can.

One often wonders what it was like living this life without Skype, Emails and Facebook! Very difficult for sure, yet people survived. Not sure I could have.

G told MissM on Saturday that we had decided to move to Dublin because K needed him there every week, it made more sense to move all of us permanently than for him to travel Monday – Friday and only be home with us on weekends.

(Luckily) she agreed.

They came to the patio where I was sitting, looking like they were sharing the worlds best secret, and MissM smiled and said 'it's ok, I know we're moving to Dublin and it'll be fine. We've lots of friends there', and that was that.

Do you have any questions? Yes. 

·      Can I have a dog in our new house? No.

·      Can we please find a smaller house? We'll see what's on the market.

·      Will I go back to Kidzbiz? No, Kidzbiz was your Montessori and you're in school now but we could always visit.

·      What school will I go to?Not sure yet, there's two to choose from. You’ll come with us to see the schools and meet the teachers and we’ll make the decision together.

·      Who knows we are moving? (I mentioned a few people)

·      How did you tell them? (I shared with her how)

·      That's all. Moving to Dublin will be fun but I wish it were Sydney. (Now I wasn’t expecting that comment)

And off she went to look for her grandparents to continue playing.

An hour or so later, she comes to me and asks 'how will I tell my friends? They all think I'm leaving in year 5, and we haven't even started year 4. They might be upset, or angry with me'.  She started to stress, not about leaving, but how her friends will react.

At this point I thought 'thank goodness I re read Third Culture Kids' by David C Pollack and Ruth E Van Reken only recently so I knew the right response. Also, with 3 Adventures behind us, I'm feeling confident that we know what we're doing when it comes to relocating.

Chapter 13 of TCK says 'there are five stages in any transition experience: involvement, leaving, transition, entering and reinvolvement" The rest of the chapter deals with things like:

There's grief in leaving a place, or being left behind. So accept it, allow it to happen, understand it, and let go.

Leaving a place well, helps to arrive somewhere else properly. No one needs negative emotional baggage at the best of times, so take care in HOW you leave.

Build a RAFT - Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewells, Think Destination.

There are 4 key areas which we need to farewell; People, Places, Pets and Possessions.

Acknowledge the grief and feeling of loss when moving on.

The light at the end of the tunnel is reinvolvement; new friends, new community, new memories.

In all transitions, we gain as well as lose. It’s the ying/yang life thing all over again. Accepting that there is the good and not so good everywhere helps one keep balanced. Nowhere is perfect, but some places are better than others.

Keeping all this and more in mind, I suggested to MissM that she might like to do what I've done, which is to tell close friends, in person. Remind them how important they are to you and make sure they know you will do everything you can to ensure the friendship grows, despite not being around the corner. Accept their response as they give it – they might be sad, or nonchalant about it. Give them time to process what you’ve said.

She asked, ‘Just like with MissN and MrM left Japan and I had to work out what to do without them?’

Yes, just like that. Any my heart cracked a little bit more. 

She beamed agreement, then panic again. It was Sunday night, and school started the next day (yesterday), she didn't have much time to get to them.

We popped around to the twin’s house at 6.30pm and MissM took them into their lounge room and closed the door. When the three of them emerged, they were holding hands and looking sheepish.  MissM reminded them of all the weeks left to hang out together, and that when we’ve gone, they can Skype often, email regularly and swap postcards. She told them that Dublin was only an hour or so by plane, and that friends had even come to visit with their car on the ferry so spending holidays together would be easy.

'Yes, but will you still come to our birthday party in September?" they asked.

Sorry, no cos we’ll be settling into our new home and school, but we can celebrate before we leave!

Hugs all round.

Friendship in tact.

MissH got home around 8pm on Sunday, too late to pop over; the earliest MissM is going to get to tell her is Wednesday afternoon, before ballet. MissM is determined that her BF's need to be told by her, in person so she can help the understand cos 'we're not in an expat place, are we mama? People here won't understand like they did at YIS'

(As I hadn’t finished this chat, MissM told MissH and MissE quietly at recess, and then her whole class, as she couldn’t hold the secret any longer. She hoped that was OK with us)

When did our little girl become so wise?

Has she heard us talking at night, and is she merely repeating what she’s heard, or does she really get what we are and the life we lead? I’ve realized living here that being an expat is different, didn’t stop and think for a minute that MissM knew too. Mind you, she’s handled it so much better than me!

We left Sydney for Ireland Adventure No1 when she was two and half; Yokohama was 3 years of her short life, the UK a mere 20 months ....... SHE IS A TCK, or maybe the newer term being used, Cross Cultural Kids (CCK)

Her friendships, like ours are made quickly and firmly. They last in terms of being able to hang out in person between 2-5 years (at this rate, 3 years has been our longest home), and we all work hard at keeping in touch despite the distances between us.

If she continues to be mindful of her friend’s feelings the way she is demonstrating now, she'll be a damn fine friend to have. 

G and I are so proud of MissM. She has taken the news well, and has shown great care towards her friends in telling them.

I pray that the next few weeks will be as easy, but somehow I know they won’t be.

With friendship

x